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As much as the vibe at the moment is basically to stock up on as much booze as possible, when I think about drinking anything more than two glasses of wine, I think three-day hangover.

It’s one of the perks of being in one’s 30s.

It’s also one of the reasons that more and more people are switching to a booze-free lifestyle. While I’m not there yet, a couple of my friends have made the switch, even before lockdown restrictions.

The biggest issue they face is having to dash off early, before it gets messy, or avoid seeing people altogether for fear of not getting on the same level as their drinking friends.

For some, like VICE‘s Calvin Kasulke, sober living isn’t just a choice, it’s a necessity.

In an attempt to fend off drink pushers, he tells them his seltzer with lime is “fuck-up juice.”

That’s a terrible joke for a host of reasons, chief among them is that I don’t believe being an alcoholic, which I am, makes me or anyone else a fuck-up, and seltzer is a beverage enjoyed by many fuck-ups and non-fuck-ups alike.

I’ve been sober just shy of two years now, but I’ve already hit my lifetime quota of people being defensive, disrespectful, or just kinda weird about my alcohol abstinence.

We all know that person who struggles to understand why you won’t have one beer, and will persist in asking why to a point where the urge to throw your non-alcoholic beverage at them becomes harder and harder to resist. That, he says, is “the more difficult alcohol-evangelizing to deal with”.

Kasulke uses the joke to try and distract the pusher and to explain his situation, which regardless of what it is – you’re a recovering alcoholic, pregnant, don’t like the person you become when drunk, your meds don’t gel with booze, or just don’t feel like drinking – is at the end of the day, really nobody’s business.

How you respond to the ‘why’ question will often not be enough, which is why Kasulke says that you are within your rights to lie if necessary.

His five top excuses include:

1. You’re in antibiotics for some unspecified illness.
2. You have to wake up early the following day for an (extremely) important engagement.
3. You have a blood test coming up.
4. You’re fatally allergic to all alcohol.
5. “I had too much to drink last night and I’m still hungover – hair of the dog always makes it worse”.

Or, and this one is probably the most satisfying – turn the tables on the pusher. Start asking them questions like why they’re so desperate for you to drink. What’s the underlying reason? They should really examine that.

The pusher often doesn’t want to examine that, so they’ll let it go.

Whatever you choose: The goal is to get them to back off on this one, however you see fit in the moment. Remember that they’re being rude, and you can respond to that accordingly if you want!

And: Once they finally leave you alone, order yourself a congratulatory fuck-up juice in peace. I recommend extra lime.

If seltzer with lime isn’t your thing, here are some tasty alternatives to alcohol that taste like the real thing.

Go forth and live your best sober life.

[source:vice]