A wise man (Dan Savage) once said that the victim of the infidelity isn’t necessarily the victim of the relationship.

Or was that Esther Perel?

Whoever it was, it points out that the black and white, good and evil binaries that we like to associate with the cheater and the cheated in a relationship aren’t necessarily on point.

The stigma associated with cheating had a lot to do with why people were so terrified of Ashley Madison, the online site that helps you find someone to cheat with, when it first appeared on the scene.

That was quickly replaced by the horror that ensued after the site was hacked and everyone’s personal details were released. Then there’s everything else that they’ve done.

None of that has stopped thousands of South Africans from signing up to the site last year.

TimesLIVE spoke to Paul Keable, chief commercial officer of the site (below), who says that South Africa is one of Ashley Madison’s biggest markets, globally.

“When you seek happiness that you don’t find in your marriage, yet you’re looking for a different pathway to divorce, which leads to a lot of outcomes that are not positive for the family, that’s where Ashley Madison comes in.”

Image: Hein Kaiser

Though mostly conservative and still fixated on the idea of monogamy, 40,000 South Africans signed up on the site last year, which tells you how many married people are, as Keable put it, “not open about being in polyamorous relationships”.

Keable makes a good point. Not everyone using the site is necessarily cheating. Couples could be polyamorous, or engaging in ethical non-monogamy.

Women dominate the site locally and globally. In SA, there are almost two women for one man, with the global ratio standing at almost 50/50.

“For SA, we have 1.8 active female accounts for every one active male account. Globally, the number is almost 1.11 females serving one male.”

Western Cape and KwaZulu-Natal have some of the highest cheaters, and the population in these provinces is not a major factor, according to Keable. “In a big city, you can hide in the Open, unlike in a small city, where everyone knows your story.”

Why do women dominate the site? Keable thinks he knows the answer to that one, too:

“The vast majority of women are in orgasm-less marriages and they’re unwilling to live a life without sexual fulfilment. Men come for emotional validation, the idea that they are desired.”

That’s depressing.

While I’m not a fan of the site (there’s something creepy about it), I am a fan of letting people do what they damn well please within the confines of their relationships.

The relationship model that works for you, is the one you should run with.

And, whatever you do – it’s really nobody’s business.

[source:timeslive]