Whilst Springbok fans chew their fingernails and try to hold it together for the next 30 or so hours, the Daily Mail’s Jane Fryer is taking a different approach.

I’ve mentioned her name and the Daily Mail as early as possible here, to let you know just how little I think of this nonsense.

Now that we’re on the same page…

Jane, in her infinite wisdom, has taken a look at the Springbok challenge from a rather different angle.

She’s not concerned about the box kicks, or the strength of the ‘Bomb Squad’ off the bench, stating “all that stands in our way of Rugby World Cup glory? 2.5 tons of biltong beefcake”.

Stunning. She goes on:

Six-packs like corrugated iron, biceps the size of rugby balls, ham-like shoulders and acres of rippling flesh.

It’s enough to make any red blooded Englishwoman (or man, sorry) blanch.

Look, at this point, I will excuse anybody who hits that little red ‘x’ in the top right of the browser tab. Don’t be shy.

For those who are still here, Jane begins with Faf, or “Mini Hercules with a mullet”:

With flowing blond locks, he’s a snappy terrier who bites the ankles of huge opponents — and he’s one of the best scrum-halves in the world.

Oh, and with his mullet, he bears a passing resemblance to pop star Limahl [above] of Eighties group Kajagoogoo. ‘He’s very proud of his hair,’ says Jono Ross, his captain at English club Sale Sharks, where de Klerk (right) has played since 2017. ‘He has more hair products than my wife.’

Captain Siya Kolisi is heralded as a “Christian township hero”, and Eben is a “Strongman with 11st dumbbells”:

The circumference of each of his biceps is 19 inches, for goodness’ sake — just five inches smaller than a rugby ball…

Off the pitch, he likes to hang out on the beach, spend time with friends and roar about in high-octane sports cars with his dog.

As we have learnt over the past few months, he’s a fan of the West Coast.

Tendai Mtawarira is dubbed “The beast who loves moisturiser”, before Jane finished off with RG Snyman, “the Giant scaring the Japanese”:

Looking like an extra from Lord Of The Rings, 6ft 9in RG Snyman’s interests are pretty basic.

In a video for South African club The Bulls, he was asked what animal he’d like to be.

The reply: ‘King Kong, because obviously he’s also big and also likes the blonde girls.’

…He’s had to be careful in Japan — where he has been playing for a club before the World Cup — because locals who unwittingly come across him are scared of his gigantic size.

Snyman said that in one shop, a Japanese man who spotted him wandering down the aisle turned and fled, petrified.

Thanks, Jane – have a word with Eddie Jones, will you?

I’m done with this garbage.

[source:dailymail]