Nothing is sacred when it comes to the whims of an Airbnb guest. There’s something about your average Airbnb guest where they take everything terribly seriously. For first-timers, it’s almost a risky thrill for them to be doing this (staying in an Airbnb) at all.

Right, I have paid money and you are taking this money from me – all through an app – and oh my word, we’re really doing this! And, oh my word, you have to lift the handle after flushing. THIS. IS. AN. OUTRAGE!

I have a few pre-saved messages for base-level requests that come through from the more challenging Airbnb guests. The toilet: “I’m so sorry about that, I don’t want to disturb you (or see your face in person), so I will get a plumber in as soon as you leave. In the meantime could you give the handle a jiggle and hopefully that should stop the water flow.”

LIKE YOU MIGHT HAVE EXPERIENCED ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD YOUR WHOLE LIFE!

Mental note to call Andy Duncan Plumbing to sort that out.

Then there’s the internet one: “I’m so sorry that has never happened before. Can you try to take the power out of the router and wait 20 seconds, and then put it back in. Then, turn it on and try to connect again. That might work.”

And you know what, it WILL work. BECAUSE IT WORKS WHEN MY LABRADOR DOES IT WITH HER PAWS WHEN THE INTERNET GOES DOWN!

Guests also take their review job terribly seriously, often privately noting that they made a concession. For the uninitiated, Airbnb asks both guest and owner to review each other at the end of the stay. One portion is public and the other private, and you can’t see their review until you give yours.

Some guests relish this moment and love the power trip. “I gave you a five-star review even though the toilet handle needed to be fixed. But you said you would organise a plumber when we leave, and that is why I kept it at five stars.”

So gracious! Whatever, ‘Margaret from Pretoria’. See you around. Not.

Then you have the sacred Friday 4PM club. This club includes a special breed of guests who complain about something that will definitely need a contractor to attend, at an hour in Cape Town (CBD) where the notion of anyone doing anything for anyone other than themselves, is a complete impossibility.

Keep in mind people have not been doing anything for anyone other than themselves since midday on a Friday. Possibly even all day.

“How do I get the satellite to work.” Gosh, ‘Ernst from Selk in Germany’, maybe you should ask the more technically inclined penguins at Boulders beach, because it’s such a perfect day and what exactly are you doing indoors on such a beautiful day you sad, sad person?!

There is a 24-hour TV contractor in town, and they charge R350 to visit the apartment and press the source button on the top right of the remote (like I told Ernst to do), and that’s quite cheap at the price. But when it comes to actual appliance issues at 4PM on a Friday, while I’m sinking my third pint at Pastis in Constantia, it is not a simple Google situation.

Even worse when a select splinter group forms a Christmas Eve club. Yup. Just imagine last year’s Christmas Eve, when I did actually receive a message from ‘Dina from Singapore’ about exactly that, an oven that didn’t work in the Airbnb.

Now you have the added pressure of ruining their Christmas Eve, because they can’t cook whatever it is they want to eat in an Airbnb that is positioned and designed for them to explore everything that Cape Town has to offer, including, you know, restaurants.

Imagine the joy of FIXITT’s 24-hour appliance service – coming in hot on Christmas Eve. Imagine the joy of messaging the guest and saying, “No problem, Dina, someone is on their way.”

What’s more, if there is in fact something wrong with an appliance (ovens, fridges, stoves, freezers, washing machines, tumble dryers and more) they’ll quote you, and the whole exercise (call-out and quote) will be free of charge.

That’s right – a 24-hour ON-SITE, FREE quotation on all your household and commercial appliances.

That should take care of another five-star rating.

Ultimately, you have no control over when next a moron will visit your Airbnb, but at least have a list of contacts for every eventuality. At least have that control. If you don’t, you will perish.

Andy Duncan Plumbing for plumbing, naturally.

Google around, find a good DStv / TV person in your area, and save that contact.

FIXITT for the washing machine, fridge, oven, and other household appliances that you can’t fix by turning off and back on again.

You’re welcome. Good luck out there.