Readers of this site will know that I’m not a fan of Piers Morgan.

He’s a revolting, petty human being whose unearned arrogance is matched only by his grossly inflated ego.

Which is why, despite my unwavering ambivalence towards the British Royal Family, I find myself feeling the need to defend Meghan Markle whenever Piers launches one of his attacks against her.

This week’s attack is a passive-aggressive excuse to bring up that time Meghan ghosted him, again, by pretending to feel sorry for her.

Here’s that purveyor of filth, The Daily Mail, with Piers’ opening disclaimer:

As I’ve made clear, perhaps too many times, I’m not a massive fan of my one-time friend after she rudely ghosted me since she met Prince Harry.

LET IT GO.

But when I read the vicious reaction to photos of her awkwardly carrying her new baby son Archie at a polo match, a surprising pang of sympathy welled up inside me.

Piers Morgan had a human feeling about someone who isn’t Piers Morgan. He’s probably going to need therapy after this.

In case you missed this one, Meghan went to support Harry at a charity polo match and took Archie along. She’s been trolled on the internet for how she held him.

He’s a baby, they’re awkward, and she’s only been a mom for a few weeks. Calm down.

Anyway, Piers felt bad for her so he jotted down 10 tips to help her out. You can read the full 10 here. These are the highlights.

1) Stop bleating about privacy

If you’re out in public, among the public, you’re a public person. Your ridiculous behavior at Wimbledon this week showed me you haven’t understood that being a royal is very different to being a celebrity.

Read more on Meghan at Wimbledon here.

2) Share, don’t suppress, basic information about your life

It was utterly absurd for you and Harry to refuse to reveal details of where your son Archie was born, or to confirm the names of his godparents. It was also utterly pointless – the media will always find out eventually. Nobody likes a two-faced control freak who wants to turn on and off the publicity tap when it suits her, especially when they’re paying for much of your lavish lifestyle.

Insulting Meghan under the guise of giving advice – classic Piers.

3) Stop showing off

We all know that royals lead lives of unimaginable wealth and luxury, but we don’t want you to shove it down our throats. That $500,000 baby shower was utterly obscene, as is your unedifying habit of cadging lifts in private jets off your celebrity mates like the Clooneys, and parading around in seemingly limitless high-end, very expensive fashion items. You’re not a Kardashian, so cool the ostentatious jets.

So you want her to be transparent about her life, but when she does share information, it’s the wrong information?

4) Don’t take the p*ss

You may not be familiar with this British colloquial phrase, but it means don’t push your painfully obvious sense of entitlement.

5) Avoid being a hypocrite

On the same day you were living it up with your baby shower in New York, your Kensington Palace Twitter account was posting pleas for us to do more for poor people. I mean, COME ON?! And if you’re going to persist in banging on about saving the planet on your Instagram page, maybe stop Harry taking helicopters for 100-mile car journeys hours just hours after he’s made a speech about the vital need to help the environment?

But when the royals don’t act all fancy, people go on about how they’re breaking protocol.

There’s no winning here.

6) Put your wokeness back to sleep

I’m not going to quote Piers directly here because the basic summary of his point is this:

He is sad because a woman of colour has opinions, both political and social, that she openly shares using her public platform.

These opinions are different from his own, and he is sad about it.

7) Pack in your ongoing PR campaign in the US media

Nothing is guaranteed to rile the UK media more than you constantly giving access favors to mates like Gayle King at CBS, or getting your American friends to brief about how wonderful you are to magazines like People – especially if you’re banging on about privacy all the time back in Britain.

I’ll give him this one, although it’s probably fuelled by his own resentment at being “ghosted”.

8) Forego silly tokenism

We don’t want to see our royals writing ‘empowerment’ messages on bananas for sex workers. It’s patronizing, irritating and merely exposed the women concerned to ridicule.

We covered this. Piers was a real dick about the bananas.

9) Make peace with the Cambridges

Everyone knows you don’t get on – the tense body language at yesterday’s polo match said it all – but you have to try. William and Harry hold a very special place in the public’s hearts because of what happened to their mother. We don’t like the idea of the boys, or their wives, feuding.

There is actually not much evidence that they’re feuding, apart from what’s been published in tabloids. Also – and I’m just guessing here – but is it possible that Meghan’s tense body language has something to do with the sleepless nights that come with having a newborn in the house?

Or…OR… they could all just be British. Tense body language is pretty much how the British roll, especially the upper classes.

10) Plant trees, and do your duty

The Queen showed this week how the best form of royal duty is often the simplest. By shunning help, taking a spade and doing a few seconds of tree planting, she showed the world she’s one of us at heart. It doesn’t take much for a royal to win hearts and minds.

She did 30 seconds of manual labour and everyone falls over themselves to congratulate her for it.

Well, there you have it, Meghan. Plant a couple of trees, divulge the finer details of your personal life, give Piers Morgan a call, and everything will be fine.

Or don’t – it doesn’t matter.

Whatever you do, from opening car doors yourself to holding a baby, we’ll probably have to hear about it.

[source:dailymail]