Here’s the thing about people – they’re always busy.

What they’re busy doing can depend on a lot of factors. Somewhere, at some point, someone looked at the world and decided that what it really needed was an intelligent toilet.

The fact that the mere thought of an intelligent toilet is mildly terrifying didn’t stop them from making it a reality, and so it found its way to the Consumer Electronics Show (CES) in Vegas.

There are some pretty incredible inventions showcased at the CES this year, including the LG roll-up TV, the Samsung modular TV, the Impossible Burger and the walking car.

But those aren’t the inventions that appear on the following list. Instead, everything must have its equal and opposite. For every walking car, there must be a smart nappy monitor.

And so, courtesy of The Citizen, I present you with seven of the pointless inventions at the CES 2019.

1. DUX voice-assisted bed

This bed, the place where you sleep, has the Alexa voice control built in.

No, not to control the bed itself, but to manage the smart home features with which Alexa and other smart speakers are associated. Or that any smartphone with Siri or Google Assistant could handle.

So it’s everything you could do from the bed, but it’s in the bed?

2. Smart baby dining table

This baby feeding table with removable dining chair contains a weight detector and adjustable camera to make children’s weight and temperature visible to parents via the brand’s app.

In other words, two more ways to avoid touching your child.

3. Monit smart nappy monitor

This thing just looks really uncomfortable. Baby won’t be reaching that “sitting by itself” milestone in one of those.

The Bluetooth sensor clips on to the outside of the diaper, so one can “smart” up any cladding. Will this be the end of the sniff test? We’ll know soon: Kimberly Clark will be selling it with Huggies later this year. The suspense is unbearable.

Because if your child stinks, it’s always a good idea to get a second opinion before diving in for the nappy change.

4. Self-driving suitcase

Uhm, whoever thought autonomous luggage was a good idea needs to work on their priorities. It’s bad enough navigating stray children at the airport without having to do the awkward shuffle with a carry-on.

Hot on the heels of last year’s CES nonstar, the 90FUN Puppy1 “self-balance and auto-follow suitcase”, which kept falling over, Beijing startup Forward X Robotics showcased the Ovis Suitcase, autonomous luggage supposedly powered by AI so that it can self-navigate through terminals.

Follow-ups include a suitcase with facial recognition so that your suitcase will be just as relieved to see you at the end of a flight as you are to see it.

5. Foldimate laundry folder

Get ready to get excited about folding laundry again…I guess.

The California company claims it will complete a load, fresh from the tumble-dryer, in five minutes. This reduces the time it would take a human being by a staggering five minutes. Maybe.

For just $1 000 (almost R14 000) or so, say its makers, “FoldiMate is like having a friend who loves laundry folding. It is so simple to use your kids will be fighting over who is folding laundry.” We have no information yet on which planet this will occur.

Not this one.

6. Lovot companion robot

This thing has been getting a lot of press lately, probably due to a good marketing department. This robot, literally, does nothing.

To be fair, the Lovot is designed to be picked up and cuddled, and its big eyes will follow its owner with such imploring looks the sheer guilt induced could generate enough electricity to power a household.

But not really. It houses 50 sensors and cameras and can recognise both faces and heat signatures of humans – as well as pets. Its real function? To demand attention.

Watch the video. After the 10th plea for a hug, I’d probably drop-kick it into last week.

7. Numi 2.0 intelligent toilet

Which brings us to the “intelligent toilet” and begs the question “whyyyyyyyyyyyy”?

The company says the Numi 2.0 is the world’s most advanced intelligent toilet, offering “exceptional water efficiency, personalised cleansing and dryer functions, a heated seat and high-quality built-in speakers”, not to mention lighting features.

Up until “built-in speakers” and “lighting featured”, it seemed like it might actually serve some kind of purpose.

The latter include “dynamic and interactive multicoloured ambient and surround lighting”. But wait, there’s more: “Paired with the new speakers in the Numi toilet, these lighting and audio enhancements create a fully immersive experience for homeowners”.

Built-in voice control via Alexa provides access to tens of thousands of skills and, wait for it, “seamless integration of voice control into the bathroom”. And all you wanted to do was use the toilet.

On the upside, you now have everything you need to use the toilet while on ecstasy.

In fact, drugs would probably improve most of these inventions – except the robot.

Nothing will improve the robot.

[source:citizen]