I’m sure your spam folder is full of people trying to con you out of your hard-earned money, but every now and again one slips through the radar and hits the inbox.

The key is to learn to enjoy them, and to appreciate the artistry that goes into finding a fresh fleecing angle.

In January, we received a real beauty from someone pretending to be Prince Harry, and that was going to take some beating.

Enter ‘Peter’, from ‘KD Films’, with the classic ‘caught you with your pants down’ scam.

First of all, the subject line is right to the point. Let’s not beat around the bush at all. We have removed our email address recipient so other Peters don’t get similar ideas.

Straight for the jugular.

From there on out, it’s a sordid affair:

I write you because I buried a malware on the web site with pornography which you have visited. My virus grabbed all your private data and switched on your camera which recorded the process of your onanism. Just after that the trojan saved your contact list.

I will erase the compromising video records and information if you pay me 700 USD in bitcoin.

This is address for payment : xxxxxxxxxx (removed from our side).

Recorded in the process of our “onanism”? Is that orgasm? Gross. Even I don’t want to see that face.

Back to the email and the clock is ticking:

I give you 30h after you open my report for making the payment. As soon as you read the message I’ll see it right away.

It is not necessary to tell me that you have sent money to me. This wallet address is connected to you, my system will erased automatically after transfer confirmation.

If you need 50 hours just Open the calculator on your desktop and press +++

There’s a calculator on my desktop? Thanks, Peter, good looking out.

Now he tightens the screws:

If you don’t pay, I’ll send dirt to all your contacts. Let me remind you-I see what you’re doing!

You can visit the police station but nothing can’t help you. If you try to cheat me, I’ll know it right away!

I don’t live in your country. So anybody can not track my location even for 9 months.

Nine months seems like an odd time frame, but hey.

Finish with a flourish!

Goodbye. Don’t forget about the disgrace and to ignore, Your life can be destroyed.

And so ends the blackmail email.

Sadly, Peter’s attempts are flawed on a number of fronts. Firstly, like anyone with something to hide, my laptop’s camera is covered by a dark piece of tape.

Secondly, even if I was worried, I don’t have $700 lying around. I’m still waiting on that Nigerian prince to send me my millions, after I paid a small fee to unlock his immense inheritance.

Thirdly, there is very little that can be done to bring further disgrace upon my name.

All of this means that Peter will not be successful in his blackmail attempts. In time, we will reply to Peter’s mail to see if we can goad another response (we take our inspiration from this man’s TED Talk), but for now, we’ll let him stew.

Oh, and be sure to put some tape over your computer’s camera.