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How’s your Friday going?

I’m on the fence, because so far today I have already written about Bella Hadid, and now I’m talking about dicks.

All of this before lunch. Oh well, at least I’m not an accountant or a debt collector.

So, ‘Big Dick Energy’, hey? I dunno if you’ve heard that term yet but yes, lots of people are talking:

Not to be confused with ‘small dick energy’, which causes fights in Parkhurst.

We’ll start with the VICE explainer, and why Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson have something do with it:

Everyone is currently talking about “big dick energy.” Ariana Grande quite possibly tweeted about Pete Davidson having a ten-inch dick, someone else said he had “big dick energy” [that tweet below], and now it’s a thing. These are the times we live in. But what, really, is it?

For someone reading the words for the first time, it may seem confusing. But understanding BDE is actually very simple and intuitive.

Big dick energy is not mere confidence—though, a true big dick energy-haver is usually quietly confident—nor is it overcompensating. It’s a self-assurance that radiates from deep within and can be felt for miles. It’s an energy that immediately shifts the dynamic of a room. It is not actively seeking out debauchery or pleasure, but having it gravitate toward you.

Big dick energy, as the best sexter I know put it to me last night, is inadvertently seeing yourself in the front-facing camera on your phone and not immediately wanting to die.

Yoh – that’s some serious energy.

President Trump obviously has bugger all BDE, but Portuguese president Rebelo de Sousa does. Look at the power in the handshake:

Take that you orange turd.

Over on the Independent, they’re offering this explanation, as well as putting a few names forward:

Big dick energy is described as “confidence without cockiness. It is never misplaced and it cannot be simulated. It is the sexual equivalent of writing a check for $10k knowing you got it in the bank account [sic].”

Men with BDE include Idris Elba, Chris Evans, the late Anthony Bourdain, Tom Hardy, Robert Downey Jr, The Rock and Harry Styles.

Great news for women – BDE isn’t just for the blokes:

Yes, it’s just as feasible for a woman to carry herself with big dick energy as a man. Rihanna? Brimming with BDE. Serena Williams? Lashings of the stuff. Cate Blanchett? Perhaps the biggest BDE of them all.

Nah, this woman:

Oozing that BDE.

So that’s the definition sorted, as well as a few members of the BDE club, but I know what you’re thinking.

Do animals have BDE? VICE went there, too:

Cats

For obvious reasons, cats have some serious BDE. They don’t give a single fuck about humans. Actually, they have such BDE that unlike many other domesticated animals, they don’t need humans to survive, they simply settle because it’s easier and more convenient for them. Why get your paws dirty when a stupid human will feed you a couple times a day? They will destroy your furniture or knock over anything in their path all while looking at you dead in the eyes as if to say: “What are you gonna do about it hooman? Try me, I dare you.”

Penguins

It takes Big Dick Energy to waddle that slow, but swim that fast. To be the best attraction at any zoo you’re in. To feel the chill of the brutal whipping winds of the Arctic and shrug it off, lean into it. It takes Big Dick Energy to be both aquatic and flightless, a bird whose wings are just flippers. To call the largest of your species “Emperor.” To have a movie about your species narrated by the voice of God himself, Morgan Freeman…

It takes Big Dick Energy to have Happy Feet.

That’s a macaroni penguin above, and it doesn’t care one bit for your bullshit.

Raccoons

Raccoons are undoubtedly the bad boys of the animal kingdom. Truly: There’s no better word to describe them than “rascals,” because their capacity for mischief knows no bounds. They are creatures with magnificent amounts of swagger and may, in fact, be one of the few to possess what we call “Big Dick Energy”…

Raccoon fur is basically a critter’s version of the leather jacket, and it’s been appropriated by both frontiersmen and the highest-powered version of Super Mario for that very reason. They’re also wearing fucking bandits masks at all times. Sick.

Um, OK, but at this point I’m going to have to add that the honey badger is the world’s leading BDE-having animal.

You know it’s true:

To finish, a wanger from left field.

The Last Eukaryotic Common Ancestor

In the Proterozoic Eon, the first cells to switch from asexual to sexual reproduction were born. These little babies grew up to invent fucking, and are the common ancestor to all forms of life on earth. They were pure Big Dick Energy, embodying the spirit of BDE before dicks had even been developed. We all come from eukaryotes, and so does Big Dick Energy.

Right, that’s quite enough dick talk for one day.

If you’re not yet satisfied, here’s a video game with serious BDE.

[sources:vice&independent&vice]