Who can forget one of the hottest summers to hit SA and the world last year? We had both an inflatable white swan and a pink flamingo at the Camps Bay pool. The unprecedented video of G-Man riding one bareback is ingrained in every Capetonian’s memory.

The beautiful inflatable birds become Instagram darlings the world over, as “I want one” comments came flooding in.

You’ll remember your Instagram feed littered with these kinds of pics:

Everyone duly got one, and ours got caught up in a Camps Bay wind blast one day – last spotted ‘flying’ over the Green Point Stadium, headed towards Langebaan.

So enamoured was I by these serene inflatable creatures and their global appeal, that I embarked on a spiritual journey to the Italian Riviera – to Portofino, where they roam free in flocks that are said to outnumber humans. I was in search of the rare golden swan, which would surely be spotted at the arse end of a superyacht.

Heading into Portofino, I spotted Faith, the 97-metre megayacht.

The first clue that change was underway is seen in this video I took of her.

Something bothered me about this, as after a couple of days I still hadn’t seen a single swan, nor a flamingo. I received a tipoff from an elderly local man, Vito, who directed me to Bagni Fiore, the exclusive beach club on Paraggi beach, on the border of Portofino and Santa Margherita.

Nothing seemed amiss, but something drew me to the pier, towards the end, just below Silvio Berlusconi’s son’s mansion.

There seemed to be some kind of empty space below.

Nothing could have prepared me for what I found beneath.

Let’s get a close-up of that.

Just one year ago these beautiful creatures were the belles of the ball. Now they’re cast aside like.. like.. like some piece of trash! One wonders if they will EVER see the light of day?

What’s worse, is I found them fully inflated. Whoever did this didn’t even have the decency to deflate them, to spare them the embarrassment of being squashed under a dark pier, cramped into a 2X2 metre crevice. And God knows how many more have been forced into a life of darkness and shame! Hundreds? Thousands?

Who will be their voice?

Back on the beach, it seemed that Faith superyacht was right on the money. Another unicorn…

It’s one thing that the unicorn had become the inflatable toy de jour, but that smug look on his/her face made me ill.

Enjoy it while it lasts, unicorn – you’ll be under that pier by June 2019, trying to make friends with the flamingos, who will wipe that smile right off your face.

Prick.