I’ve always wanted to do this, but just haven’t had the balls or been wasted enough.

T.J. Miller doesn’t have the same problem – I mean, look at that face.

The comedian has been up to quite a bit since leaving HBO’s Silicon Valley, namely starring in the Emoji Movie and being charged with sexual assault.

Now he finds himself under FBI investigation after getting absolutely ham-sandwiched on an Amtrak train and calling in a fake bomb threat.

VICE loves this type of stuff:

According to a press release from the Department of Justice, Miller called in a bomb threat on March 18 during an Amtrak ride from Washington, DC, to New York City.

He allegedly told the cops that a woman on his train “has a bomb in her bag.” But Miller allegedly got the train number wrong, leading Amtrak investigators to stop and search another NYC-bound train, unable to find anything onboard.

Apparently Miller was so pissed that when the feds called him for more details, he was not only speaking in tongues, but gave them a different description of the woman he originally reported. When asked if he was drunk, he was cheeky enough to call it “one glass of red wine”.

This is how he pulled it off:

“This is the first time I’ve ever made a call like this before.”

“I am worried for everyone on that train. Someone has to check that lady out.”

When investigators stopped the train and tracked down the attendant in first class, she said Miller was already pissed when he boarded and tossed back a few more during the trip. He was even booted from the train when reaching New York for being “intoxicated”.

According to the complaint, the attendant added that Miller had been arguing with a woman a few rows away from him during the trip. Investigators interviewed the woman and found that—aside from being innocent of the accusation against her—she didn’t even have the kind of bag Miller had described. Instead, they allege that Miller called in the bomb threat because he was “motivated by a grudge against the subject female.”

Not cool, bro.

More from the New York Times:

Passengers were ordered to evacuate while bomb squads searched the train and found no evidence of any explosive materials.

He probably didn’t find it funny when he was arrested at New York’s LaGuardia Airport on Monday night, before dropping $100 000 for bail. Now he’s sitting with a charge of intentionally giving the cops false information about “an explosive device” – a serious crime that could put him behind bars for five years.

Did he forget about the time he slapped an Uber driver in 2016? That was only settled last month, dude.

For the creeps that pay money for celebrity intel, don’t bother. He ain’t picking up:

I called the cell phone listed in the TJ Miller indictment and got his voicemail. It’s…something pic.twitter.com/gjYSMWvZPs

— David Mack (@davidmackau) April 10, 2018

[source:vice&nytimes]