If you haven’t wrapped your arms around a mate and belted out the words to Billy Joel’s ‘Piano Man’, have you even lived?

You have, but for the purpose of this story we’re running with it.

Billy’s ballad about performing in a dingy bar is a favourite at karaoke gigs right around the world, and at the very least you’ll know a few of the lyrics.

We’re not here to debate the merits of the song, or critique your choice of karaoke song (at least you didn’t go with Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believin’), but rather to enjoy the brilliance of the peeps over at McSweeney’s.

I suppose it’s refined humour, so if you’re the type that giggles at videos of dancing babies on Facebook save yourself the bother.

Right – enter “Billy Joel plays “Piano Man” for the first time at the bar he based the song on“.

We’ll play the first few lines for you:

Billy Joel sits at the piano in a smoke-filled bar in 1973. It’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday and he’s just finished performing a new original song entitled “Piano Man” off his forthcoming album.

BILLY JOEL: Thank you, that’s called “Piano Man.” Now this next song—

JOHN, AT THE BAR: Whoa, hold on a second. What the hell was that?

BILLY JOEL: What do you mean?

JOHN, AT THE BAR: Well, Bill, you’re a friend of mine so I don’t want to sound rude, but that sounded kind of familiar. Don’t you think?

BILLY JOEL: I’m not sure what you’re getting at…

PAUL, A REAL ESTATE NOVELIST: That’s about us!

BILLY JOEL: What? No, no, not at all.

PAUL, A REAL ESTATE NOVELIST: You say our names in it, Bill!

WAITRESS: Consider yourself lucky, just “waitress” Billy? Really? We’ve worked here together for years. Do you really not know my name?

BILLY JOEL: What? Of course I know your name…you.

OLD MAN: Hold on, are you trying to say that I requested a song without giving you the name or melody? That I just expected you to guess, like a mind reader or something? That never happened, that’s slander! And who the hell calls it a tonic and gin?

Yeah, who calls it a tonic and gin? I highly doubt the old man is drinking the quality stuff, either.

There are still a few more characters that pipe up in the McSweeney’s piece, including Davy from the Navy, and you can finish reading that here.

Huh, what’s that? You want more Billy Joel-related humour? Your appetite is insatiable, friend.

Back to McSweeney’s we go for another dose of brilliance, this time titled “What I would be thinking about if i were Billy Joel driving toward a holiday party where I knew there was going to be a piano“.

Again, we’ll get the ball rolling:

I’m not doing it. I’m just not. I know I say the same thing every year, but this time I mean it—I am not playing it this year. Seriously, how many times can I possibly be expected to play that stupid song? I bet if you counted the number of times I’ve played it over the years, it probably adds up to, like, a jillion. I’m not even exaggerating. One jillion times. Well, not this year.

This year, I’m just going to say, “Sorry, folks, I’m only playing holiday songs tonight.” Yeah, that’s a good plan. That’s definitely what I’m going to do, and if they don’t like it, tough cookies. It’ll just be tough cookies for them.

But I know exactly what’ll happen. I’ll sit down, play a few holiday songs, and then some drunk jerk will yell out, “Piano Man,” and everybody will start clapping, and I’ll look like a real asshole if I don’t play it…

What if Alison asks me to play “Piano Man”? Then what? I’ve got to stick to my guns, that’s what. I’ll simply say, “Some other time.” Yeah, that’s good. Kind of like we’re making a date or something. And then at the end of the night when we’re all getting our coats, I’ll turn to her and say something like, “So when do you want to get together and hear ‘Piano Man’?” Oh man, that’s really good. That’s so smooth. After all, how is she going to say no? She’s the one who asked to hear it in the first place! Oh man, Billy, that is just perfect…

Who am I kidding? She’d never go out with me. She was dating that actor for a while. What’s his name? Benicio? What kind of name is Benicio? A stupid name, that’s what kind. Hi, I’m Benicio. I’m so cool. I’m sooooo cool. I should start going by Billicio. I’m Billicio Del Joelio. I play pianolo.

I don’t want to spoil things, but there’s a plot twist in that one. Read the rest here.

Thanks for sticking around. Is it the weekend yet?

[source:mcsweeneys]