You will read many Tinder horror stories in your time. Hell, you may even live through one yourself, but you aren’t going to beat this absolute pearler from Bristol.

Right, get a load of this – a woman who threw her turd out of the window, because it would not flush, had to be rescued by the fire department after she became stuck trying to retrieve it.

Read through that one more time.

The story features top of the ‘most read’ section on BBC, but we’ll get the full account over on Gizmodo first.

Here’s the written account of Liam Smyth, the chap on the date:

After our meal, we repaired back to my house for a bottle of wine and a scientology doccumentary. [sic]

About an hour in to Louis Theroux and chill, my date got up to use the toilet. She returned with a panicked look in her eye, and told me she had something to tell me.

“I went for a poo in your toilet”, she told me “and it would not flush. I don’t know why I did this, but I panicked”, she continued “I reached into the toilet bowl, wrapped it in tissue paper, and threw it out of the window”.

Now here’s where it all goes really tits up, because the window didn’t actually lead to outside. The toilet window opened into a narrow gap separated by another double glazed window, meaning the turd was trapped:

Look at it, just sitting there all passive aggressive.

Liam proposed smashing the window with a hammer, but his date had other ideas:

Being an amateur gymnast, she was convinced that she could reach into the window and pull the poo out, using the tried and tested “inside out blag as glove” technique. Unfortunately she couldn’t reach. She climbed further in and had the same problem. Eventually I agreed to give her a boost up and into the window. She climbed in head first after her own turd, reached deeper into the window, bagged it up, and passed it out, over the top and back into the toilet from whence it came. She called out to me to help her climb out from the window, I grabbed her waist and I pulled. But she was stuck. Stuck fast. Try as we might, we could not remove her from the window. She was stuck fast, upside down in the gap.

Some photo evidence:

At this point things are looking grim for the first-daters, and there was only one solution

Unfortunately for my date, at this stage I could see only one way out of our predicament. She had been upside down in the window for around 15 minutes at this point, and I was starting to grow concerned for her health. I called the fire brigade.

Bristol’s finest were on scene sirens blairing [sic] in a matter of minutes. Once they had composed themselves after surveying the scene in front of them, they set to work removing my date from the window using all of their special firemen hammers and tools. It took them about 15 minutes.

Here they are, hard at work:

In order to extract his date, they had to destroy the bathroom window. Liam has been quoted £300 for a replacement, but as a student he was struggling for the funds.

Off to GoFundMe he went, recounting his story and asking for donations to help cover the costs. At the time of writing, his story has generated all of £1 750 (R29 500).

There’s a happy ending there, too:

[Liam] said he and his date had decided to split the extra cash between two charities, one supporting firefighters and another that builds and maintains flushing toilets in developing countries.

Unsurprisingly, the woman does not want to be named but Mr Smyth said he had seen her since and “who knows what the future holds”.

“We had a lovely night on the second date but it’s too early to say if she’s the one. But we got on very very well and she’s a lovely girl,” he said.

“And we’ve already got the most difficult stuff out of the way first.”

If you’re thinking this one is too good to be true, Avon Fire and Rescue services have confirmed that they did indeed rescue a woman “trapped between external and double glazing”, during which a window was broken.

Thank you internet, that was thoroughly enjoyable.

[sources:bbc&gizmodo]