Here’s something many of us can relate to, whether we have grown up in such households or closely with those who did.

Speaking from the perspective of an ordentlik Afrikaans meisie, Tillie van Niekerk wrote a thought piece for Women24 looking at the unhealthy consequences of a conservative lifestyle when it comes to the sexual education of teenagers – or lack thereof.

“Ordentlike,” you ask? Tilly’s got you:

Labelling a Christian Afrikaans girl as ordentlik subtly implies she is (or should be) sexually abstinent. An ordentlike Christian Afrikaans girl is not supposed to move in with her boyfriend or have sex before marriage.

And it’s not considered ordentlik to talk about masturbation (nonetheless practice it!) or make dirty jokes.

Of course, you don’t need to be Afrikaans to relate to this.

Many woman have grown up in homes where sex is not only hardly spoken about, but frowned upon, too.

As Tilly explains, “a ‘chaste woman’ (in any culture) can not only warp one’s perception of sexuality and sex, but it can even lead one to question one’s own sexual agency”.

Tilly continues, sharing her own experiences while referencing a whole lot of baked goods, and eventually finishes off her piece with some thoughts on how these conservative habits can lead to risky (or risqué?) future behaviour:

When you know nothing about sex you are more likely to be influenced – and especially by sources that aren’t necessarily trustworthy or accurate (school friends, gossip, TV, and the like).

Girls who grow up in very conservative families with values that speak to abstinence are often denied knowledge about sex and their own sexuality for fear of ‘corrupting innocent minds’.

The thinking usually goes like this: If this 16-year-old girl knew how to masturbate and could pinpoint her exact sexual pleasure centres, then…she might lose all self-control and become the biggest tart!

This is so crazy, and yet so ingrained in many people’s thinking.

Worst of all is to have so little trust in women. To me, that’s what it comes down to: an issue of trust. A lack of trust in fact. Trust that if you had said knowledge you are going to go against the church, against the family and screw anything that walks.

This distrust diminishes a woman’s ability to see her own sexual needs – mainly because she was never taught to own them.

To me, having any kind of interest in sex was never celebrated. Instead, it was questioned and shamed. This is how many of my peers feel. And never given access to proudly own or be granted access to primal sexual desires, needs and agency can be very dangerous for women.

When women are not given the knowledge to own their needs and their rights when it comes to sex (whether or not they want to engage in premarital or marital, gay, straight or whichever damn sex they choose) it can play out in various clandestine and unforeseen ways.

They are likely to experience sexual relationships or encounters where they are left unsatisfied, afraid to ask for what they want in bed, or even worse – it can leave them open to being abused and coerced into doing acts they might not want to do but feel they have no power to say no to.

It’s all about finding the balance.

You can read Tilly’s full piece here.

[source:w24]