There’s always that one really annoying child at school who constantly seeks attention, and you learn quickly enough that they’ll take just about any reaction as long as they’re being looked at.

Say hello to Piers Morgan, a man who loves to preach from his pedestal despite a dirty background in phone hacking and a few failed TV shows.

The saying goes ‘I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire’, which I think is a fair descriptor of how most feel about this fool.

Anyway let’s hear what he has to say to Johnny Depp, because the world is currently suffering from a dearth of open letters. Over to the Daily Mail:

Dear John(ny),

It’s time for an intervention.

As your latest marriage, to actress Amber Heard, collapses in ugly high-profile divorce after just 15 months, your moment of reckoning has arrived.

We don’t know each other, but I feel like I know you better than perhaps you currently know yourself.

It’s around this time that I feel the urge to throw up in my mouth, but alas we soldier on:

You were born in Kentucky and raised in Florida. Where the hell did that absurd, slow-talking baritone drawl come from?

Oh yes, I know: your hero, Marlon Brando, in the Godfather.

You want us to think you’re Don Corleone because it doesn’t get any cooler in your eyes than being Don Corleone.

But here’s the problem, Johnny: you’re getting less and less cool by the day.

‘I’m kicking 50 right up the a**,’ you declared just before you arrived at your half century.

But instead, it appears that entering your 50s is kicking YOU right up the a**.

Your ‘look’ – the old battered fedoras, rotting leather jackets, stained and duct-taped jeans, skull rings on the fingers, myriad tattoos and dishevelled goatee – is now so tired I want to give it a pillow.

Your looks, once so fiercely fresh and youthful, have turned the way they usually do when a man hits our age: puffy and middle-aged. You’re still way better looking than me, but you’re not the Adonis you once were.

You’ve morphed into Mickey Rourke light, without the facial scarring.

As for your acting, you’re still very good as you recently proved in the excellent Black Mass, but you’re not, I fear, as good as you think you are or as you once were.

I’m sorry, I can’t do this any more. If you really want to read the rest of Piers’ drivel you can read that letter in full HERE.

[source:dailymail]

[imagesource:here]