It’s that time of year again and everyone is cracking Christmas crackers at a rate of knots. Scrambling around on the floor to see what little goodies popped out. This forms the crux of my ‘open letter.’

This isn’t REALLY an open letter – I’m so over open letters, as I’m sure you are. A 2ov staffer was actually tempted the other day to write an open letter to people who write open letters, but something got in the way. Probably Pistorius, or Zuma.

So anyway my assistant, Chelsea, is Jewish. She was tasked last year with organising Christmas crackers for our staff party at Caprice. Needless to say she failed miserably. The nik-naks inside last year’s crackers were so crap I felt ill. Some of you might relate to that silly ‘fortune telling fish’ – a piece of cellophane that you place on your palm – which bends and curls due to your body heat. You know the one. I had shivers down my spine as I remember as a child making a promise before God to never expose myself to such crap ever again.

Shame, how was Chelsea meant to know anything about Christmas crackers, let alone the varying quality of crackers?

I told her the secret to buying Christmas crackers – something all gentiles learn over the years: buy the most expensive. Simple.

So this year she took it very seriously (rightly so) and excitedly told me about the R350 Woolworths crackers (for 6). The price was reassuringly expensive, so I told her to go ahead and get a few packs.

The day came, as 2oceansvibe exploded into a waterfall of Don Julio at Cafe Caprice last week. There was much excitement as we all fantasised over the crackers we would open later that day.

The moment came and we all did the classic arms-crossed-over, everyone-pull-at-once chain gang thing.

Crack-a-lacka-lacka-crack-crack-crack went the premium Woolworths crackers. Woo-hoo!

Trinkets and nik-naks sprang out of the crackers and we all jumped on the floor to collect what we couldn’t catch during the explosion.

I picked up a plastic pen and thought the waitress had dropped it. But wait – it had a plastic ‘sheath’ over it – it was brand new. Surely this wasn’t from the cracker?

I held it up and asked, “what did you guys get.”

Simone, next to me, held up a wire egg cup.

I swear to God.

Like an egg cup for actual boiled eggs.

Not six.

One.

The table’s joy turned to confusion, then disappointment and anger, as each person held up their “goodies”. Someone had a wine cork, someone else had a wine pourer and another had…wait for it…a metal deer keyring.

I cannot express to you how disappointed everyone was.

Can we just go back to the plastic pen for a second? How is it possible that the most expensive Woolworths Christmas Crackers have a plastic pen inside? A pen is at the VERY bottom of the gift list – for anything, ever. When compiling a list of gifts to put inside crackers, you start with plastic pens for the shit crackers and you work your way up to hand-held lasers – surely?

But then why the R350 price tag, you ask?

Well, let me tell you. The crackers themselves (not the contents), were completely and utterly over the top. ie. the wrapping material used and the excessive use of twine and little balls dangling and God-knows what else. If you’re looking for pretty crackers, please get these crackers, they’re exactly what you’re looking for.

The only prolem is NO ONE wants beautiful crackers with crap inside. EVERYONE would rather have shit looking crackers with lasers inside.

EVERYONE.

That, Woolworths, is an absolute fact.

So let this be a warning to all gentiles out there looking for quality Chrsitmas crackers – DO NOT BE FOOLED by the price tag on the Woolworths crackers – the most expensive ones at R350 are a MASSIVE let down.

In hindisght, maybe R350 is too low. I’d happily pay R1 000 for 6 quality crackers – if that’s what it takes.

Can anyone recommend a place that sells quality crackers?

There is still time to save others that haven’t bought yet.