At first, I thought this bullshit:

Apparently females can’t do failure and curl up in a little emotional hole to avoid talking about it at all costs. And it’s all our parents’ fault.

Girls respond to failure differently than boys. When girls make mistakes, they’re more likely to interpret the setback as a sign they lack ability — a factor much harder for girls to change. Boys, on the other hand, tend to attribute failure to more controllable circumstances.

This is all according to a new book by Jessica Lahey’s, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed. 

They’ve (girls) been so protected from mistakes, usually by their parents, that they fear failure, avoid risk and value image over learning. By the time they go to college, they are more vulnerable to depression, anxiety and stress.

A lot of this behaviour is also attributed to this thing they call a “stereotype threat” – girls are seen as “bad” at maths and science and so we see a lot less girls in these industries. At school, when girls are reprimanded, it’s generally because of their academic performance, where as boys are scolded in relation to their behaviour – ‘sit down’, ‘stop laughing’, ‘don’t smoke bongs in class’ etc.

It works like this: when girls buy into the stereotype that they’re bad at math, they don’t see a missed problem or poor grade as a correctible issue. Instead, it confirms what everyone else knows — that they simply have less ability. These experiences, researchers say, “add stress and self-doubt to [girls’] educational experiences and diminish their sense of belonging to the academic arena.”

And the worst thing about it all? Rescuing girls from failure doesn’t help. Instead, it makes them lose motivation. Intrinsic motivation has three core ingredients, autonomy being one of them, and when other’s interfere with this freedom of our own accord, BAM, motivation is lost.

Professors Edward L. Deci and Richard M. Ryan, pioneers in the study of motivation, say girls are more vulnerable to having their autonomy and motivation threatened. Because girls are raised to please others, they tend to care more about feedback from teachers and parents — and so are more sensitive to feeling controlled.

In short, the world is deeply affected by the power of words – including the smallest of sayings, like ‘You’re smart’ or ‘You are good at English’ etc. So, change it up – rather say, ‘You did well on that test’, indicating success on one level instead of giving a general overview of someone. Instead of girls thinking they’re generally smart and not needing to study for anything (believe me, I am seriously one example of this) evaluation each step of the way intrinsically motivates girls more. Praising effort (“You worked really hard on that”) over ability motivates all kids, and especially girls.

Failing well is a skill. Letting girls do it gives them critical practice coping with a negative experience. It also gives them the opportunity to develop a kind of confidence and resilience that can only be forged in times of challenge. Besides this, girls need educators and parents to challenge stereotype threat, reminding them that ability can always be improved with effort, and that who they are will not determine where they end up.

…But after reading where we are in this failure scheme down to the process and influences that got us here, wow, it makes sense. The question is, how do we reverse these effects?

[source: time]