Good morning sheeple – I’m talking to those who love hopping on a bandwagon and riding it all the way to alienating your friends with your cult-like praise for the flavour of the week.

If you haven’t heard of SoulCycle then it might be necessary to paint a little picture before we proceed any further. The indoor cycling fitness chain, started in the U.S. back in 2006 and boasting fans like David Beckham and Lady Gaga, is now looking to go public and raise around $100 million. Here’s the BBC:

“SoulCycle isn’t in the business of changing bodies: it’s in the business of changing lives,” the boutique fitness firm, says in the filing as it tries to woo would-be investors… Its “mission” as the firm describes it, is to benefit not only the body, but the mind and soul too.

“For many of our riders SoulCycle is not about how much weight they can lose, rather, it’s about letting go, turning inward and finding the strength to meet life’s daily challenges, overcome obstacles and break through,” it says…”The experience is tribal. It is primal. And it is fun”.

If the aim is to make us lose weight through vomiting they just ticked that box. Here at home we have boutiqe-style gyms popping up all over the show, the likes of Switch and Sweat 1000 proving popular with the healthier amongst us. For good measure let’s look at Switch’s promo video because, well, it’s fun to watch.

Grrrr, testosterone and muscles and flashing lights and toit bodies – klap it boets and boetesses.

Let’s just be clear on this point then before anyone takes offence – there’s nothing wrong with that, but when they start describing themselves as a ‘movement’ it all starts to get a bit nauseating. The civil rights movement, the women’s rights movement, these earned that term. Jolling in a gym so you can get lucky this weekend doesn’t quite carry with it the same gravitas, sorry to burst your bubble.

Back to the SoulCycle manifesto, this time from Gawker:

Set in a dark, candlelit room to high-energy music, our riders move in unison as a pack to the beat, and follow the cues and choreography of the instructor…

All of our employees complete initial, as well as ongoing, hospitality training at our “Soul University” to ensure exceptional service across the organization (sic)…We invest considerably in celebrating our teams through programs (such as weekly “SOULccolade”) that reward hard work, creativity, resourcefulness and actions that embody the culture and spirit of our brand.

Yes, SOULccolade, they actually made that a real thing. So who do we think can’t wait to try out the primal feeling of pedalling as a pack to break through the barriers society imposes on our daily lives, all the while seeing their candle-lit shadows flicker against the opposite wall?

We have a feeling that the Cape Town hipster will pounce on this faster than a tweed jacket sale at a vintage clothing store. Is that really something we want to see here on our shores, despite how appealing it might sound to have two grown men pulling on each other’s perfectly groomed moustaches?

By all means stay fit and healthy, by all means try and encourage your friends to do so, but if someone as much as mentions to me that they were trained at the ‘Soul University’ they better hope they can peddle faster than my legs can carry me.

[sources:bbc&gawker]