I like to call the time you wait in line for a checkout counter to become available ‘running the gauntlet’. You’ve resisted the urge to line your trolley with an assortment of treats, managing to make it 95% of the way to getting home with a healthy shop. Then you wait, surrounded by the tastiest snacks the shop can throw at you, until eventually you give in and it all goes south.

What I haven’t seen is someone tell such a tall tale whilst waiting that they have received a ban from Woolies. That is until now, with this beaut below from TimesLive:

I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Woolworths.

Better watch what you ask people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

I will readily admit that I once snacked on half a pack of what I thought was biltong before realising that the tasteless and chewy treats were meant for my dog. As for being banned from Woolies I have no comment, the investigation is still under way.

[source:timeslive]