We’ve all had our own terrible travel experiences, those moments when you arrive at the accommodation you’ve booked and realise the pictures don’t quite match the reality. It’s kind of like a Tinder date where someone has been very creative with the photos they’ve used – completely outdated and not at all what you want walking through the door.

Now not everyone treats bad reviews with respect, something we should applaud SafariNow on. With over 100 000 traveller reviews they have implemented a money back guarantee for those who, like these poor sods below, have had a rather dreadful stay. They also have a fast and efficient customer service team ready to assist with any queries or gripes customers might have.

You know who doesn’t do any of that? These guys below, hence the truly horrid reviews their hotels have received. Let’s take a look at review one:

Belgrove Hotel – London, England

If buildings could speak this one would be screaming run away

Don’t be fooled by the relative cheapness and proximity to St Pancras, this so called ‘hotel’ is in fact some sort of large scale psychologial experiment about human suffering and gullibility.

Bits of this building (bannisters, door handles etc) will literally come away in your hands, leaving you clutching a shard of sharpened wood or metal – probably very handy if the place was overrun by zombies, but otherwise just a touch concerning.

The sheets on the bed looked like they had enjoyed a long career in a particularly messy and degrading part of the adult film industry. If there is an opposite to memory foam (amnesia foam?) that is what the bed was made of.

The bathroom door had clearly seen a bit of action, a large hole in it had been repaired (although I’m not sure that is the right word) using what appeared to be brown mud, at least we hoped it was mud.

The bathroom itself resembled a dirty cupboard designed by the inventor of Tetris – everything was jammed in at bizarre angles in order to make it fit. One would need to be a most practiced contortionist to use the sink or the shower. Brilliantly, the toilet wasn’t actually fixed to the floor, like some kind of cunning booby-trap for the weary contortionist defecator.

Yowzers, shots fired. Review number two then:

White Rose Hotel – Blackpool, England

Avoid at all costs

Having had a long drive I decided to take a shower, I managed to get a cold trickle out of the hose not enough to wash my hair. For this I had to get on my knees and place my head under the taps. Having not realised the lock was broken I turned round to find the owner staring at me smiling. I swore at him and he ran out.

As I came out he was at the bottom of the stairs, he shouted up saying I was a big boy both in body and girth. He then went on to offer me drugs again, steroids this time. I said I don’t do steroids it’s 5 hours in a gym each day that keeps me like this.

Sounds like we have ourselves a peeper. Finally review number three:

Bluebird Hotel – Newcastle, England

Do not stay in this absolute dump of a hotel, and I use the term hotel very loosely.

I cannot convey strongly enough how disgusting this place is. Blood stained headboards that have clearly been up since the world war (the first one), rude staff, windows that won’t close, no hot water, broken furniture, dirty utensils, broken light fixings and actual poo in the kettle.

Pretty sure I’m going to end up with some sort of rash/disease due to sanitation conditions similar to those of a homeless crack head.

In summary…this place is a complete hole.

What have we learnt from the above? England has no shortage of crummy hotels, people will often produce their best work when ranting and it pays to book through a reputable website that looks after its customers.

Actual poo in the kettle, what kind of a world do we live in?