Poor service is all but normal in Cape Town. But add to that unhygienic levels of dirt and grime, meat that tastes expired, and a dismissive attitude from the manager, and something needs to be said.

Restaurant moans get quite tiring, so I’ll report back in bullet form.

In a nutshell – The Grand in Camps Bay ticked all (and more) of the boxes this Sunday:

• Waiter looked hungover – didn’t give a FF upon arrival and didn’t offer specials nor tell us anything about any food whatsoever.
• Food took an hour to get to the table.
• Asked manager where the food was just before it arrived and this was normal as two of us had ordered burgers. That is why it took so long. Because we ordered burgers. Huh?
• Two tables that arrived after us got their food before.
• Bloody Mary celery stick looked like it might have been used a good 12 times before. Certainly wasn’t cut today.
• Food arrived with revolting cutlery (see main image).
• The calamari was meant to be cajun and arrived plain Manager checked on us as it arrived and I asked if the calamari was cajun. He lied and said it was ‘lightly cajun.’ I then asked why the sauce bowl next to the calamari on the plate had arrived empty. Manager realised he was nose-diving and asked to take it back and get it fixed.
• Meantime the burgers tasted like what I would imagine expired camel meat might taste like.
• Calamari came back fine, with the white vinegar I had requested. Served in a small bowl with no spout nor spoon.
• Ordered dessert to try end off on a sweet note.
• Cheese cake arrived instead of the chocolate dessert we had actually ordered.
• Asked for the bill with card machine. Just got bill.
• Bill folder arrived like this (see main image).
• No acknowledgement by manager of the completely appalling experience, nor any fault accepted.

I’m not looking for an apology, nor contact – I find that all too exhausting. I just want to apologise to the people who told me not to try out The Grand in Camps Bay again. You’re right, it is pretty disgusting.

I guess that’s what happens if Cafe Caprice is fully booked and you’re forced to wander into tourist traps. Reminder to self: call to book EARLIER!