See what Gavin did there? Turning ‘vibe’ into ‘drive.’ Clever. And so close to getting the font correct, too! Herewith, his first car review – for the VW Golf R. – Editor

Have you heard the one about the R498 000 Golf? It goes like this: Very, very quickly. The Golf legacy is one of the most successful stories in the history of mass motoring. Essentially born as a modern replacement for the most loved thing to have ever been drawn by Hitler (he did the original sketches of the Beetle for Dr Ferdinand Porsche in 1933). As a result the Golf has never been niche, it simply picked up from where the Beetle had left off. People who had had too much acid in the 60s now had too many responsibilities and children and the Golf grew up with them. I like so many South Africans in their 30s learned to drive in a CitiGolf. I still can’t listen to Robert Miles’ “Children” without imagining Pioneer 6 by 9 speakers on the backboard of a CitiGolf as you battled with the cable clutch on an incline.

The R cheekily nips across the set of the new Godzilla film. Or Dusseldorf. We’re not sure.

Essentially, the VW Golf GTi, with the help of an iconic ad featuring Le Mans legend and F1 journeyman Jacky Ickx who now looks like a seniors cruise ship crooner (exhibit ‘A’) created the “hot hatch”. A utilitarian budget sports car that could transport house plants, groceries and people. But what happens when the GTi isn’t enough? No car has more fanboys than Golfs. From Delpht to Dusseldorf those iconic letters meaning Gran Turismo injection have nut jobs who wear VW hats to both engagement parties and court alike salivating at the prospect of owning the ultimate GTi, one that needs only one letter to denote its origin from VW’s Racing division, the “R”. There’s a field in Germany where these Golfistas gather each year, a gathering that makes Comicon look normal by all accounts and each year VW who know what the people want (the clue’s in the word “Volkswagen”) create a special edition Golf for them to hopefully only just salivate all over. A lot of the design cues from these one-off experimental Golfs eventually turn up subtly on the R making them the ultimate fanboy’s dream incarnation of the species.

In light of certain goings on in a highly publicized trial, we are unable to publish the words “carbon fibre” and “knob” in the same sentence.

So what’s it like to drive? The old R32 was fun but felt the weight of that 3.2 litre engine slung over the front axle. This latest incarnation has a highly tweaked and tuned lighter 2.0 Turbo engine based on the one found in the GTi. It is then heavily tweaked by German scientists -not by someone with a neck tattoo- meaning it is a phenomenal unit producing a staggering 206kW and will be reliable. There’s an immediate sense of drama as the engine springs to life creating a wonderful burble from the purposeful twin exhaust system. It’s worth baring in mind that this car is mechanically identical to it’s slightly posher cousin the new Audi S3, which I drove recently and was floored by. So the R had a lot to live up to, and didn’t disappoint. The entire package feels like a compact supercar and is made with attention to detail befitting a car that costs half a million bucks, which it does. Planting your foot, the R pounces to 100km/h in about the same time as it would take to sign your name (if your name was Giorgos Papastefadoulou); about 5 seconds flat. But this isn’t always a bristling, purposeful street brawler it has a refined and even a hippie side. BMW does driving modes very well meaning you’re essentially getting three different cars in one, and while not as refined, the idea is the same here. In Eco mode the R sips fuel like it’s hot chai, in comfort mode the suspension becomes more pliant making the ride exceptionally comfortable while compromising handling slightly and in Race (where I spent most of my time) it goes stiff as a board while the revs climb to idle at around the 4000 mark waiting for you to floor it. Combine this with the superb DSG gearbox in Sport and you have a car that’s ready to give just about anything on the road a bloodied nose.

Post apocalyptic parking lot. Broody sky. Oversized brake calipers.

Basically this is all the car you’ll ever need if you’re a new dad or mom. It can be economical and it can be maniacal, it has a massive boot, feels like it was made by OCD machinery and looks incredible. Perhaps its only downfall for some people is that it doesn’t scream the fact that it’s an R enough, which is exactly why I love it. Simple detailing comprising of the word “R” are evident on the front grille, the boot sill and the massive brake calipers. At night though, there are luminescent blue strips along the inside door handles and on the kick pan which might make it look like a failing vodka lounge, but somehow work.

The biggest decision you’d have to make is wether you want to buy the Audi badge (with the S3 Sedan an option having just arrived) or spend almost 500k on a VW. All I can do is tell you, you won’t be disappointed.