In a civilised society, there are not many excuses people have to punch one another in the face. But I can think of a few.

First and foremost – and I’m sure you’ll all agree with me – the cappuccino / flat white ‘issue’ seems to be reaching a head. If I order another cappuccino and the hipster on the other side tells me, “oh, we don’t really do cappuccinos.. er .. maybe you’d like a flat white?” I’m actually going to lose control of my body.

Umm… Punch to the face. Straight. No questions. 

Seriously, whatever dude, I’m not in your industry. I don’t care. Is there any kind of froth whatsoever on top? Yes, there is. Just bring the fucking coffee.

You see now that was a great example of where and when it is ok to be semi-violent in a civilised society.

Let’s think of some more.

Oh, here’s another one. This example will work well in the future, when you will be able to punch someone in the face, through your laptop screen, via email software. This one goes out to all the very average brands and people who nag for RSVPs after sending out yet another crap invitation to yet another crap function with the same crap people. I am not duty-bound to salute and respond every time you decide to invite me to something, freakshow. Surely if it is not one-on-one tea with Owen Wilson, then no response means no? I NEVER asked to be on your crap list in the first place and now you’re setting me a task? Just ask yourself truthfully – “Is my event sub-par.” If the answer is yes, then take a non-response as a no.

Back to earlier – I mentioned losing control of my body when the cappuccino / flat white conundrum comes up. Which reminds me just to raise the whole sneezing ‘thing’ again. Clearly it’s been a very long time since I made 2oceansvibe’s stance on sneezing clear. So we clearly have to refresh everyone’s memories, before you all end up making fools of yourselves.

So is everyone listening up, so I can tell you what the problem with sneezing is?

The problem is it’s….. it’s…… it’s a sign of weakness, guys.

Seriously. Think about that.

Everything you’ve worked towards up until that moment to secure your coolness in any particular bar, club, restaurant, meeting, anything… is gone… the moment you sneeze. In the blink of an eye. Because what you did is you lost complete and utter control of your ENTIRE body for a moment. How does that look to other men and women in the room? PATHETIC, is what it looks like.

If you were just starting to sneeze and I ran at you with a sharp knife – do you realise that you wouldn’t be able to do anything? And I would time my lunge with the knife, so that I only make contact with you AS you make the sneeze. So your eyes are closed and your arms are weak.

“Aaaaaatch….” Knife – in your head. Cheers.

But I won’t even need a knife. I could come up behind you and put you in a choke-hold. That’s how immobile you are during a sneeze. Then I slowly lower you to the ground, in a pile.

And sleeeeeeep..

So please guys – I trust this illustrates that there is no place for sneezing in a modern day society. If you need to sneeze – get out the room or do it at home in the morning. Get it out the way before you head out.

Seriously.

Oh and lastly, all companies out there that serve instant coffee, could you rather not? It’s kind of a lie, offering people coffee and then bringing that out. Because, to be honest, I thought when you offered coffee it would be ACTUAL coffee. Not joke-coffee. And if you had made it clear up front that you were a liar and you were serving joke-coffee, then I would have ordered a water instead.

Or nothing.

I’d rather have ordered nothing than have to experience your joke coffee.