Writer Victor Parachin questioned his friend, Kevin about how he and his wife enjoy a healthy and happy love relationship. According to Parachin’s friend he committed himself to “the relationship with the same energy” which he placed on other aspects of his life such as school, work, health and friendships. But the commitment on Kevin’s part was also applied by his wife resulting in the pair being a “great team”.

Philosopher Paul Tillich added:

Any deep relationship to another human being requires watchfulness and nourishment.

If you want to be a successful couple and enjoy a healthy relationship, Parachin provides you with theses tips.

Step 1:

Enjoy being with each other. Enjoy each other’s company. Talk together. Simply enjoy being together. It’s a tip that Ringo Starr firmly believes in. The Beatle has been married to his wife for more than 30 years. Starr said:

I’m just blessed that she puts up with me. I love the woman. She loves me. There are less down days than up, and we get on really well. We spend a lot of time together. That’s the deal.

Step 2:

In conflict, be fair and generous. It is natural to disagree with your partner, especially because you are living together. But it is important that these arguments are done “skillfully” where the result builds the strength of the relationship.

One way to ensure a “skillfull” fight is with the careful choice of words. Research has found that “connected” couples use plural pronouns as opposed to singular pronouns. Benjamin Seider said:

Using ‘we language’ during a fight helps couples align themselves on the same team, as opposed to being adversaries.

Step 3:

Forgiveness. Forgive your partner and let it go. If the person is in the wrong or has been wronged, it is key to offer an apology and also to accept it. Author Clarissa Pinkola Estes outlines four stages that a couple can use to fully forgive:

1. Forgo: Take a break from thinking about the person or event for a while.

2. Forebear: Abstain from punishing, neither thinking about it nor acting on (the offense) in small or large ways. Give a bit of grace to the situation.

3. Forget: Refuse to dwell; let go and loosen one’s hold, particularly on memory. To forget is an active – not passive – endeavor.

4. Forgive: Make a conscious decision to cease to harbour resentment, which includes forgiving a debt and giving up one’s resolve to retaliate.

Step 4:

Commit fully to the relationship. A promise is not enough for a successful relationship, it needs commitment. You are in this relationship for, as laid out in your vows, “richer or poorer, for better or worse, till death us do part”

Step 5:

A happy relationship according to marriage researcher John Gottman is “characterised by respect, affection and empathy. Moreover, happy couples were postive. Gottman’s research showed that happy couples “made five positive remarks for every one negative remark when they were discussing conflict”.

Step 6:

Grow and learn as a couple. Celebrate each other’s strengths and interests. This will strengthen your emotional bond and deepen your love. Whether it be joining in on your partner’s interest or simply supporting it.

Step 7:

Keep the romance alive. Matthew Boggs and Jason Miller searched for “marriage masters”, those couples who have been married for 40 years or more. A common thread in these successful relationships was that they made time for romance – date night, a romantic weekend away or simply meeting for lunch to enjoy each other’s company.

Step 8:

Make your partner happy. A small deed that speaks to your partner’s strengths or interests will result in a smile that can be seen from their eyes.

Step 9:

Stick to the 60/40 rule.

Most people think marriage is 50/50. It’s not. It’s 60/40. You give 60. You take 40. And that goes for both of you.

Step 10:

Couples with the same values have a successful relationship. A woman has been married for 58 years and expressed what it is that has resulted in her successful marriage.

It is quite an achievement. It’s important to have the same basic values. In other words, if you’re a free spender, marry someone who understands that. If you’re frugal, you need to marry someone who understands that because money is one of the stumbling blocks in marriage. Fortunately, we had the same values on most things. We usually had the same goals — we believed in education; we wanted to be moral; we wanted to raise children to be good citizens and to be responsible in terms of finances.

[Source: YourTango]