Writer Lizzie Crocker investigates how common it is for partners to picture somebody else while having sex with their partner or the “partner replacement fantasy” and if this is healthy.

In an advice column, Crocker noticed one entry that related to the “partner replacement fantasy”. The man wrote that he and his wife have been in a happy marriage for seven years but during sex he thinks of “everyone and anyone but her”. The man confessed that he was “pretty sure [he] wouldn’t climax if [he] did”. He then questioned if the partner replacement fantasy was “normal or a problem” and if it meant he was “destined to cheat at some point?”

Is this only a male thing, or do females fantasise too? Would this not then be termed “emotional cheating”?

According to sex therapist David Schnarch this type of fantasy is common.

Partner-replacement fantasy is one of the most common forms of fantasy. Most mature couples accept that their partner isn’t only going to think about them when they’re having sex with themselves.

Schnarch is of the opinion that it may be emotional cheating when one partner denies the other sex and goes to the bathroom “to masturbate to an elaborate fantasy of their partner’s best friend”.

If either partner fantasises about Scarlett Johanssen during sex it is not an indicator that that partner is no longer attracted to their mate. But it could be problematic when either partner relies solely on their fantasy to get them through sex as that person is not present during that intimate time according to Schnarch.

The gentleman who was seeking advice in the advice column, despite being given the advice that “you’ve found a way to be a great lover and keep things fresh,” may have intimacy issues. According to Schnarch:

The issue is not whether it’s right or wrong to do what he’s doing, but whether it’s an impediment rather than a supposed freedom.

Schnarch continued:

Boring sex is built into emotionally committed relationships from the very foundation of the way that normal sexual relationships develop.

The start of a relationship or the honeymoon phase is filled with that “anxious-excited feeling”. But over time these feelings calm down. Schnarch suggests:

Boredom in the bedroom isn’t a sign that you’re not sexually compatible; it’s a sign that you need to take another growth step that will make the two of you nervous.

To avoid partner-replacement fantasies spice things up in the bedroom. Make things exciting and interesting and be a part of your partner’s fantasies.

At this point, they’re no longer competing with their partner’s fantasies. They’re working with them.

[Source: The Daily Beast]