Bonnie Tyler spent the eighties searching for a hero, for a streetwise Hercules on his fiery steed. She held out long into the morning light. Enrique Iglesias offered his services, but all too late.

Look no more sweet cheeks – we have a hatch of courageous champions just waiting to sweep you off your little feet. Try the surfing wunderkind John John Florence (great name). Blond and tall, at just 20 years old, gliding through the air on his trusty fiberglass stick, sweeping the competition aside. There are many more. Take your pick from Seb Vettel, Irish Mcilroy or even an older guy like Chuck Norris (who North Korea better watch out for).

We have teams of the little swash buckling superstars as well. For me it all started with a poster on a workshop wall. The all-conquering Manchester United side of 98/99 posing with three gleaming trophies having just completed the now mythical ‘Treble.’ It was clearly time to drop the bridesmaids (I was a Liverpool fan) and run off to Eldorado with Beckham and his bevy of Red Devils.

I call it the “Man U malady,” and herein lies the crunch. At the top of the rugby list lie the mighty All Blacks, and alongside them, albeit at a domestic level, the Canterbury Crusaders.

We are all fuming hot and cold with the current and deeply volatile Cape Crusader situation which turned ugly recently at Newlands stadium, and I think I can help defuse the bomb.

Nobody likes losing, be it with girls, bets or even teeth (just ask a Stormers fan). So by nature we back a winner. We are led to believe that the Cape support for a New Zealand side is politically motivated. What a load of shit. Those days are in the past, aren’t they? (Trevor Manuel thinks so – ed)

Imagine if these disloyal sods had chosen the Highlanders (NZ Super 15 side currently bottom of the log) or at a national level decided to back the Samoans – which quite frankly would have been a far safer political bet. Their loyal support for these two championship sides was carefully motivated on performance, and not on political values.

Sadly though, insofar as conflict resolution is concerned, there is no immediate hope of a cease fire. But understand this, the Crusaders will fall, and hopefully (I am a Stormers fan), soon. They will always be a powerful side, but their general (Dan Carter) grows tired and they currently sit at eighth on the log and second last in their conference. If anything, the Stormers are partially to blame for their recent loss, with an inept performances against the old enemy.

The All Blacks, however are a different prospect. They are bloody good, and pretty to boot. So I suggest for the sake of national harmony, think not what the Springboks can do for you, but rather what you can do for them. Shout loudly, although not when the opposition is on the kicking tee, rather, grow hush and show the Cape Maoris how gentlemen behave.

Like Malema and Lance and a few in between, this too shall pass. Let’s just hurry it along with some dignity.