Fear not, I will not be ranting here. I will not spend 1 000 words frothing at the keyboard about the abysmal, facile, corporate, lackluster, insulting, sell-out winelists that do not deserve the bad laminating they have.

No, I am not going to bemoan the swapping of wines for umbrellas, listings for cash, and I am certainly not going to hope for anything more than plonk (good plonk, I guess) at 70 % of our country’s restaurants. No, I promise I will not.

Instead I am going to copy what a British wine writer and blogger, Jamie Goode, posted on his site a few weeks back. It was his ultimate wine list. His list was international, and as I can’t hope for much of that here, I am going to stick to local wines. 

First off I am going to straight out repeat what Goode said because I am in total agreement. I want the pricing policy of a restaurant’s wines explained on the list. For example, the cheaper wines could be marked up by a standard gross margin, say 150-180%. Then, at a certain price point, a set cash margin can be applied.

Whatever the method the restaurant chooses it should be made clear to the customer. No one thinks they should be paying retail price for a wine in a restaurant, but if the pricing policy is clear, the customer is far less likely to feel that they are being ripped off.

Methode Cap Classique

An array of price points, and a good by the glass option. NO FUCKING J.C. LE ROUX. NONE. Only bubbles that have been through a secondary fermentation. An option of having a slightly aged MCC would also be good.

There is the option of an Italian Spumante, or Spanish Cava here too. Some, I think, are not outrageously priced and immediately add interest to a wine list.

If there is going to be champagne, spare the Moet, and Veuve. There are other more interesting Champagnes being imported that are priced similarly. 

White Wines

Some solid Sauvignon Blancs. I understand that some restaurants desperately need umbrellas Durbanville Hills Sauvignon Blanc on the list. Fine. But why not look further afield as well? There are a bunch of classy interesting producers that will make a wine list stand out a little from EVERY OTHER GODDAMN MOM AND POP RESTAURANT IN THE COUNTRY.

Producers I’d like to see: Iona, Cape Point, Buitenwerwachting, Hermit on the Hill, Ataraxia, Cederberg, De Grendel and Reyneke.

South African restranteurs, listen carefully. I don’t care whether the punter understands Chenin Blanc or not, I don’t care that you don’t understand Chenin Blanc perfectly, there is absolutely no excuse for not having a healthy selection of South African Chenin Blanc on the list. In fact, you had better have a damn good reason if you have more Sauvignon Blancs.

Chenin Blacn is the most proudly freaking South African variety we have. Use it. Wave that flag.

Producers I’d like to see: Remhoogte, Stellenrust, Reyneke, Mount Abora, Beamont’s Hope Marguerite, Winery of Good Hope, Lammershoek, Testalonga. 

For the rest of the whites, I’d hope to see some solid Sauvignon/Semillion blends, some rich weighty Swartland blends, and some Chardonnays (don’t skimp on quality here).

Your best bet for international wines on this side of the list are Rieslings. There are some good deals on German Rieslings that would add a lot to any wine list.

Red Wines

A good selection of Pinot Noirs at all price points, please. Then some other lighter reds; Cinsault, lighter styled Sryah and Grenache. AA Badenhorst and Eben Sadie are the winners here.

Cabernets and Merlots are needed, of course, but like Chardonnays, I wouldn’t skimp on quality. Super green and weedy wines, or over oaked monsters are never happy accompaniments to a meal. Producers: Veenwouden, Shannon, Starke Conde, Man Vintners, Meerlust, De Trafford, Grangehurst.

Restaurateurs, a point here should be made about the age of wines. Think about when you would want to drink a wine. Which wines are ready to drink now? Ask farms that you have a relationship with, if they have any older stock you can buy. Or play the long-game and start building a cellar, one case at a time.

Pinotage? Look for lightness rather than power.

With Shiraz the Swartland must feature, but not by replacing all other regions. Producers: Fable, Mullineux, Lammershoek, Neil Ellis, and Mount Abora.

Here’s another personal, but viable international option. The Northern Rhone can offer brilliant Syrahs at prices comparable to local wines. I’d love to see more available at restaurants.

Red Blends, like whites, are so varied that the restaurant should really choose to match the food. Good Bordeaux blends are a must as you can get real value.

We make amazing sweet wines. They need to be sold by the waiting staff, but are a great way to round out a meal.

So I have a wonky wine list. I would certainly be without free corkscrews, ice-buckets and umbrellas, and I might end up with a lot of stock that doesn’t move. Perhaps, if you added a keen business mind to this sort of list we could find a good balance.

What do you think about current lists? What would you like to see more of?