We have no words. Scientology either screws people up for life, or just attracts weirdos from the start. Nothing else can explain this strange rap featuring top members of the cult including a prominent spokesperson, and Cruise’s church-approved ex-squeeze.

Gawker does an absolutely wonderful job of explaining what is going on here, so excuse us if we quote liberally. In essence,  Titziano Lugli, a Los Angeles-based Italian producer and musician who was ex-communicated from Scientology in 2010; Marty Rathbun, a former Scientologist who was powerful enough in the church’s hierarchy to serve as Cruise’s “auditor,” or spiritual interrogator; Mike Rinder, the Australian former head of PR for the church; and Nazanin Boniadi, the Iranian-born actress and model who was selected to be Cruise’s next girlfriend back in 2004, combine to rap against scientology and the church’s leader David Miscavige.

It’s hilarious. The rap isn’t very good, but due to this, and the high-profile names involved, it will get lots of listeners.  The biggest name in this video is of course, Nazanin. To quote Gawker:

Perhaps the most intriguing contribution comes from Nazanin Boniadi, the Iranian-born actress and model who, according to Vantiy Fair‘s Maureen Orth, was personally selected by Miscavige in a church-sanctioned search for Cruise’s next girlfriend back in 2004. The relationship didn’t last—Cruise wanted her incisor teeth filed down, and he eventually dumped her after she insulted Miscavige by asking him to repeat himself. Boniadi has never spoken out about being pimped out, North Korea-style, to a probably gay crazy actor by a cult leader (she declined to talk to Orth). So her participation in the “rap” is the first public proof from Boniadi herself of her break with the church. She raps: “This ain’t no road to freedom / It’s a blind alley, like Kirstie Alley / Travolta, and Cruise, but we ain’t no fools.

It’s all just too good. Filed teeth, a bad rap, a cult, Tom Cruise. There is enough material in this article alone for a feature length comedy. Gawker got the back-story to the rap from Tony Ortega, a long time “scientology watch-dog” for the Village Voice:

I got a tip from Marc Headley, one of the former church members interviewed for Orth’s story. He said that several months ago, some ex-Scientologists had been goofing around and had recorded a rap song at the home studio of Tiziano Lugli, a former church member who is also a music producer. The song, Headley told me, ridiculed Scientology leader David Miscavige, the harsh life working for the church, and its celebrities.

Among the ex-Scientologists who had helped sing on the rap song, he added, was Nazanin Boniadi.

In November, I was in Los Angeles and was hanging out with a British television crew that is making an hour-long documentary about Scientology for Channel 4 that will air in March. I told them about the song, and they were anxious to see if we could get Lugli to play it for us. We met him at his Hollywood Hills home, and he took us into the studio.

He confirmed what Headley had told me, that after Headley had come up with a bit of rhyme, they thought it would be funny to make an entire song. So when various ex-Scientologists came by to visit Tiziano, he asked them to come up with a few lines and then record them.

Among the people who performed on it were Marty Rathbun and Mike Rinder, two formerly top-ranking executives in the church. Lugli sings on it, as does his wife, actress Jamie (Sorrentini) Lugli. And Lugli tells me he wrote the lines that we hear Nazanin Boniadi perform…

“But we all know how it is
This ain’t no road to freedom
It’s a blind alley, like Kirstie Alley
Travolta, and Cruise, but we ain’t no fools”

Lugli told me he had also written more lines for her that spoke directly to the way she’d been treated by Cruise. She said she’d rather sing another song that she’d written, a weepy ballad about her “faith” being betrayed by someone who was going to be visited by “demons.”

(Lugli played that song for us, but he would not allow us to film him doing it.)

To finish his first draft of the rap song, Lugli himself raps the words he had written for Boniadi, and raises his voice artificially (which is obvious when you hear it)…

“My name is Naz
You might not know who I am
But trust me, I’m sure DM
Is now shitting his pants
I was pimped out
Treated like a prostitute
I was used and abused
You really thought I was a fool
My integrity has got a price
That your creeps can’t buy
I won’t bend, I won’t break,
I will not hesitate to expose your plans
To the entire nation
Your population needs
Some serious emancipation”

Again, it’s important to point out that Nazanin did not perform these lines herself.

But she did contribute a few lines that name Scientology’s three biggest celebrities, and not in a flattering light.

Lugli played the rap song for us three separate times, in each instance with the British TV crew filming him. And I recorded this video on my flip cam.