Wine tastings. To state the bleeding amputated and mangled obvious, wine tastings are generally the best places to learn about wine if you don’t have an overflowing bank account, or an incredibly well stocked cellar. I can’t recommend going to tastings strongly enough if you are keen to broaden your vinous horizons. That being said, I thought I would give you a little guide of what not to do when you are there. For the most part, the parameters extend to everyday life, and can be summed up neatly as “don’t be a douche”. However, as common sense is the least common of all the senses, I thought I might as well go into a little more detail.

Before I start, I would like to make it clear it is not like wine tastings are full of rules, and regulations; they are not weird secret societies where special handshakes are needed, and you need to swirl your wine three times clockwise to gain entry. No. Not at all. These are just some actions that will piss everyone else off or lessen your experience of the tasting.

1. Perfume, aftershave, stink

There is nothing that annoys me more than when I am at a tasting – whether it be a formal sit down tasting, or a less formal walk around one – and someone sits next to me, or sidles up beside me and they are enveloped in a perfumed stink.

“There’s a surprising amount of Jean-Paul Gautier in this Sauvignon Blanc. Is that terroir driven?”

No, it is driven by the stupid twat who cannot get it into their minuscule head that when you go to a tasting you go to taste wine. And by tasting we also mean smelling. And it is remarkably difficult to smell what’s in the glass when your neighbour reeks like a common whore. Neutral, people, go for neutral.

As with most of this advice it is all based on common courtesy. When you go to a restaurant, you don’t go around sprinkling spices over other people’s food. It’s kinda the same thing as stinking at tastings. It’s rude.

2. Keep you palate clean

This is less about being a douche, and more about getting the most out of your tasting. If you know you are going to a tasting try to keep your mouth as clean as possible. So chewing mints or gum before a tasting is pretty stupid. I’d skip coffee as well. If you’re a smoker I’d avoid that one last entjie before the tasting. Dry bread or crackers are good to clean your palate, washed down with some water.

This isn’t as silly as it sounds. Say you attend a tasting of 20 wines. Before going you had a big curry, those first couple of wines are going to be influenced by what you ate. Maybe it’s a really positive influence and you order a case each of the first two wines. When you come to drink those wines you find them quite different to how you remember them. And unless you remember it was curry you had before hand, it may be a somewhat disappointing purchase.

3. Loud and obnoxious

Well this is obvious, but I have been to quite a few tastings where one of these ass-grieves is present. They are first to comment, their voice the loudest, their opinions the strongest, and they, of course, know better. Leave it out. You can’t always be right about wine. People have preferences. You might not agree, you may think the rest of the tables’ taste is in the gutter, and that’s all good; the problem arises when you feel you need to share this all the time, loudly and obnoxiously.

I’ve learnt the most at tastings during the discussions. Especially when there has been a disagreement over a wine and each side argued as to why they thought it delicious or disgusting.

If you think you know everything, (or, which is normally the case, act like you do) more than likely you know very little. My advice is listen and learn.

4. Cheating

If you are into taking notes at tastings, for the love of all things common and sensible don’t crib other people’s notes. You may be worried that you are not picking anything up on the nose. Well, write that. There is absolutely no point whatsoever in using someone else’s tasting notes as your own. Maybe you are at a tasting where there is a possibility you will be asked what you thought of the wine. Believe me, it makes far more sense to say, “Yo, I didn’t get that wine at all,” than to start copying.

If you do that you are like a person who’s overheard someone talking about a painting, and on viewing it regurgitate those views with little or no understanding. What is the point? You might as well go and drink a Black Label.

5. Swallowing

This one is debatable (although some swear by it) and depends on the amount of wines you are tasting and the quality of wine in the glass. If you are tasting 20 plus wines, swallowing every one is going to get you drunk. Which is fine, but it makes it difficult to appreciate the rest of the wines. Also, by swallowing you may find yourself quickly becoming the obnoxious guy mentioned above. Obnoxious and drunk. Worst combo ever.

I know this to be true. I was at a rather large tasting a few years ago, and whether it was thirst, youth or inexperience, I don’t know. What I do know is that I spat very little of the 25 odd wines that were tasted. Not only was my presence at dinner missed, but I made a hazard of myself shouting out inanities as others were trying to taste:

“Number 1! Itsh number 1, bloody Pinotaash, coffee I tell you, I need a coffee.”

“Where’s a pony when you need one, wine number 25 smells like a horsh. Give me another cracker. I want a burger. I think burgers and wines are brilliant.”

And so on. Spittoons are there for a reason, use them.

And as you are there to taste wines being drunk is rather counter-productive as the drunker you are the harder it is to taste. If you are going to argue it is a waste to spit, it’s a bigger waste to be be drinking really good wine, when you might as well be quaffing Four Cousins. Actually it’s plain wrong, as I am sure quaffing Four Cousins is a type of incest anyway.

So those are five general tips to help you through wine tastings. Don’t worry about faux pas, there really isn’t a need. Just don’t get shit-faced, and don’t go in reeking, don’t be a douche.

If you have any other tips for wine tastings, please share them in the comments.

If you are interested in attending a wine tasting, I’d recommend checking out these first:

https://www.winecellar.co.za/tastings/

https://www.carolineswine.com/wine-events-wine-tastings

https://www.undertheinfluence.co.za/