The next time you are sitting at your favourite after work spot – sipping on something as the day ends while stress and worry take a backseat for the evening – let your gaze wonder to the other customers and observe how they sip their wines. As I am a frequent visitor to a number of bars/restaurants/pubs/wine-bars/shebeens/picnics/holes-in-the-walls/sidewalks/gutters/parks/etc I have observed how people drink my favourite tipple. And when stress and worry get out from the backseat entirely, kicked out by the third bottle, I find myself thinking about stereotypical wine drinkers based on how the  wine gets from glass to belly. I present you with a few of my favourites and most observed.

The Pretentious Twat

There are far too many of these morons about. They give wine a bad name, and conversation an arrow to the knee. Easy to spot, you see them swirling with gay abandon; not to garner any additional aromas from the wine but rather, as much attention as they can. Their elaborate, over-the-top sniffing and slurping says, “look at me, look at me, I’m so sophisticated.” Yeah, a sophisticated Gerard Depar-douchebag. Loud and brash, these drinkers are generally narcissistic, attention seeking, and cry themselves to sleep at night.

They care more about the type of glass they are drinking out of – and letting you know about it – than what is inside. They will happily tell you a certain wine is “the best in the country”, poo-pooing any mention of other wines. They don’t love wine. They love themselves. They are hollow shells. Empty Moleskines. Avoid at all costs.

The Career Drinker

As cynical as they are gregarious, this lot are the most committed of wine imbibers. From sun up to sun down you will see the Career Drinker partaking in a glass of something or other. In the early morning, when a glass of Chardonnay is considered socially awkward by the narrow-minded, The Career Drinker is happy to exchange a glass for a coffee-mug. Jolly by lunch, and bosom buddies by dinner, the Career Drinker is always a good partner in crime. And when I say crime, I mean the best person to crack a bottle of Riesling with before baristas have finished their morning shift. Although happy to sip on something affordable, years of practice make them decent tasters, and have a good nose for quality.

A word of warning though: don’t mention the drinking. Akin to leaving discussions of the war at home, bringing up the fact that the Career Drinker has Chenin Blanc in his coffee mug is asking for trouble. You will either come out with your self-esteem in tatters, or a coffee-cup to the throat. Leave them be.

The Gulping Student.

These are the real drunks here. They don’t really like wine, but know that a bottle of Tassies offers great value for money in the sozzling department. You will notice their first sip has a tinge of grimace about the lips. Then slowly but surely the grimace  is replaced by a glassy look, big gulps, high-fives, bigger gulps, pouting lips for Facebook pictures, dancing, more silly posing, and eventually a DMC into the porcelain telephone.

They grip the glass around the bowl like a tankard.  Warming the wine up is of no concern to the Gulping Student, but then, neither is dignity, moderation or their liver.

The Hipster

Hipsters drink anything that you don’t. So if it is wine you probably haven’t heard of it. Except of course, The Alphabetical, South Africa’s number one hipster wine. Beginner hipsters will disdainfully drink their wine out of tumblers, casting aside the oppressive construct of the wine-glass. Their body language will suggest they don’t care what is in the glass, as if it just sort of appeared there without them knowing. But, in reality, what they are saying is, “look at me people, no wine-glass, that’s right, you and your populist wine-glasses are so vulgar.”

As people progress in hipsterdom – jeans get tighter, beards longer, and they haven’t even heard of the music they’re listening to – you will hear them chatting to each other, sipping strange drinks made from fermented wild flowers in some dingy renovated warehouse while an Asian midget quietly strums on a Ukulele:  “By the way, do you know this wine is made hyper-oranically by monks who read Heidigger aloud while it ferments? – wait is that normal person using a tumbler? Quick hand me a velskoen.”

The Professional

With swift, economic movements, the professional wastes no time in getting through a high number of wines. They can be confused with the Pretentious Twat, but this is a mistake. Pen and notebook in hand you will see them with focused expressions making notes between sips, slurps and spits. The actions are not ostentatious, but utilitarian.

The Professional is some what of an obsessive compulsive needing to know every little detail about the wine, and will swish, swirl, and spit until its secrets have made themselves known. To avoid a slap in the face – or at least a very dirty look – don’t wear stinky perfume when the Professional is trying to work.

The Socially Inept

We feel sorry for this oft seen wall-flower. Always on the edge of groups, hesitant, gripping the wine glass with both hands as if it is the chalice within which love, acceptance and confidence can be found. The wine is sipped fitfully. Awkwardly. The Socially Inept laughs nervously, looking over the rim of the glass, hoping to catch someone’s eye, but never does. That is until the fourth glass.

The Socially Inept are the Jekyll and Hyde of the group. As nervous as they are when the night starts out, meet them at the end of the evening and may just find a crazy, manic, bar-top dancing lunatic. Their grip on the glass slowly relaxes as the night wears on, the tiny sips give way to wild dancing and crazed shouts about misanthropy and how romance is dead. Quite possibly they hook up with a Pretentious Twat – both of whom regret this in the morning. The Pretentious Twat runs out quickly, leaving the Socially Inept to grip the wine glass even tighter the next evening.

There are more of course. Have you seen any? Let us know in the comments.

 

All pics courtesy of the brilliant Genevieve Akal