Best to email the feckless girl before you adopt the Patrick Bateman method…

First dates are a minefield of social etiquette, and one misstep can bring disaster. Not one to let sleeping dogs lie, NY investment banker, “Mike”, let a luckless lady know – in excruciating detail – exactly how you let a guy down easy, and lucky for us, the mighty internets recently saw fit to wash this glossy gem up on the much-scoured shores of Reddit.

“Mike” is an investment banker based in New York who went on what sounds like a sumptuous triumph of a first date with a girl called “Lauren”. Except first date was also apparently last date, as “Lauren” took to avoiding “Mike’s” calls, voicemails, texts and other entreaties to just give their precious love a chance, dammit.

Distraught, “Mike” took to Google to track down “Lauren’s” email and provided her with a 1 600 word breakdown of how hurtful she is being avoiding his calls, and how wonderful their hypothetical long term relationship would be, if she would just give their precious love a chance, dammit.

And, if the internets are to be believed further, “Lauren” isn’t the first luckless girl whose inbox “Mike” has crippled with this tower of crazy.

You can read “Mike’s” 95 Theses of Internet Stalkering / Date Etiquette here.

Or, you may consult our handy 2oceansVibe Quicknotes version which summarises the main points of lunacy in “Mike’s” 1600 word ramble:

Dear Lauren.

1. I really enjoyed our date. I have placed many voicemails and calls to you, but you have not responded. It makes me sad.
2. If you want to have a second date, let me know.
3. You gave me lots of signals during the dinner which I payed for, such as touching your hair and actually talking to me.
4. I don’t know about you, but second dates are statistically better than firsts – you can ask Google, like I did for information about you.
5. We have many common interests such as classical music, our similar ages, and other stuff I read about you on the internet.
6. You should really let me know about that second date, hey…
7. I don’t understand why you won’t respond to my siege on your mobile phone/date me/be mine forever. I understand if the fault is on your part, but nonetheless I am prepared to look past those issues to be your long term life partner after a second date, which you must ask me for.
8. Here is my number, email, Twitter, address, IM handle, parents contact details, GPS co-ordinates, contact details in all major world languages, re: that second date.
9. Why are you leading me on? It is bad. It makes me sad.
10. It’s your fault if you can’t see how a second date would turn this whole situation you created around!
11. Repeat for 1600 lines.

Best, Mike

That’s the psychotic gist of it. Of course, you miss some of “Mike’s” classic pearls of reasoning from the full text version, such as:

Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following…

We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money.

It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again.

[Source: Observer]