“All for one, one for all.” The same catchphrase that united Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart and Sting in song has returned as The Three Musketeers swash their buckles once again. They were okay when Charlie Sheen could pull off a moustache, they weren’t too bad in The Man with the Iron Mask, however, this may just be their most flaccid outing to date in a borderline farce with not three, but three-and-a-half musketeers?!

The legendary three musketeers: Athos (MacFadyen), Aramis (Evans) and Porthos (Stevenson) are betrayed by Milady (Jovovich) – a Resident Evil meets Marie Antoinette cat burglar, who uses the trio to steal an ancient manuscript in Venice. A year later, a pipsqueak by the name of Brakenjan, *cough* D’Artagnan (Lerman) joins the league of has-beens in the hopes of high adventure. He’s the cocky new kid on the Parisian block whose self-esteem is obviously flourishing, picking a fight with just about everyone. After foolishly taking on forty of the King’s men, he earns the respect of the beleaguered musketeers and a reluctant plot involving the theft of the Queen’s jewels, Buckingham, Richlieu… blah, blah, blah.

This adventure is not about story, camaraderie or heart – it’s a slick, opulent, budget-swaggering beast unleashed by writer-director Paul W.S. Anderson. Trailing in the wake of bigger franchises, this movie borrows like a magpie from Pirates of the Caribbean, Stardust, Entrapment, The Princess Bride, Marie Antoinette, Indiana Jones, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and even Anderson’s pride and glory, Resident Evil. The slick visuals, quick-pacing and decadent CGI layering will remind you of Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes, but unfortunately the script is found wanting.

“Okay boys, trousers down – he wants to inspect the jewels.”

The Three Musketeers has a comic book sensibility, a camp cheeriness, a lot of tongue-in-cheek dialogue and never takes itself too seriously. It’s the sort of wink-wink rapport that made The Princess Bride a classic, but somehow it doesn’t have the same substance. The characters aren’t as lovable, there’s not as much heart and there’s very little purpose – making this action-adventure all about fluff, flair and unnecessary 3D special effects.

How they managed to get name stars like Christoph Waltz, Orlando Bloom and Milla Jovovich amid a star-studded supporting cast is a wonder. Waltz has been milking his Inglourious Basterds performance for all it’s worth with a string of comical bad guy characters that pale in comparison. He’s like a poor man’s John Malkovich, giving villains a maniacal glaze with a dark sense of humour. Orlando Bloom hams it up like Lord Flashheart in Blackadder Goes Forth, delivering an over-the-top character that bridges his presence in The Three Musketeers with Pirates of the Caribbean. Milla Jovovich is Paul W.S. Anderson’s lapdog after the runaway success ofResident Evil, so in a similar move to Joan of Arc, she appears as Milady de Winter.

The Three Musketeers is aided by slick visuals, lush colours and a heap of action sequences that range from airship battles to rooftop duels. The opulence of Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette and a theme involving the royalty drives this style over substance action-adventure. There’s an attempt to mimic the tone of The Princess Bride, but the magic and heart is seriously lacking. The accents, folk lore legend and villains in Richlieu and Rochefort are reminscent of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and there are some green screen action sequences that could have been scraped off the Resident Evil cutting room floor. The Stardust airship, the Indiana Jones booby traps, Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment… The Three Musketeers has “borrowed” more than some bad spoofs.

“The Candy in the Age-Old French Tradition.”

The overriding problem is that there’s no clear hero – sorry Logan. The “all for one, one for all” band of merry men function as a single character with each musketeer representing a side to the “four-headed” Frenchman. The Three Musketeers is simply a theme skin dictating the setting and period for this generic fantasy adventure. The dilution of a main protagonist strands us as viewers but offers flair and fashion as a substitute for any real weight to this story, supposedly based on the Alexandre Dumas novel. The wishy-washy plot and farcical subplots are just there to give an excuse for musketeer style 3D action and it just doesn’t have the same appeal as Pirates of the Caribbean, The Count of Monte Cristo or any of its strains of influence.

The eye candy can only keep us entertained until they run out of new characters and explosive action and when you fall back on the story (just like Milady), there’s nothing but a sequel to break your fall. The cast has some recognisable names and faces, but no one’s really willing to own it. The redeeming features are all superficial making this entertainment throwaway fodder for the masses. The Three Musketeers has it all when it comes to production values, but beneath the moustache, feathery hat and bravado… there’s very little going on.

The bottom line: Pretty

Release Date: 14 October, 2011
Book Tickets at Ster-Kinekor
Book Tickets at Nu Metro

Catch more movie reviews at SPL!NG