John Platter, and minions.

This is as newsy as this column has ever been. The story “broke” yesterday. Although, if a story does not trend, is it still news? Nevertheless, I am branching out into current affairs this week. How do I feel in about this? Nervous? Excited? Ambivalent?

Ambivalent; which is exactly how I feel about awards and stars and 100-point scores to be honest. But as Platter is regarded as very important –  everyone from wine stores to your crotchety wine-loving aunt will be crowing about their five-star wine if they’ve got one –  I though it important to bring this up.

Yesterday the wines that scored 5 stars in Platter – South Africa’s foremost wine reference guide – were released. Some local pundits were unhappy that the launch happened in London, where Cape Wine Europe 2011 is currently under way (my, we are current today). Cultural cringe? If the launch was here in South Africa, the same old local critics would have scored a free lunch, a chance to taste the wines, and written very similar stories to those the Londoners wrote anyway. It was a good PR move by Platter and Wines of South Africa, in my opinion.

Back to the wines. How Platter works is thus: wineries who submit wines (nearly all do) get assigned a taster who tastes the same producer’s wines for a number of years. They taste the wines sighted. The idea being they are not simply assessing the single wine in front of them, but its track-record over the last few vintages. These wines are then assigned a star rating from “Somewhat less than ordinary” to “Superlative. A South African classic”.

At this year’s launch, 18 tasters worked their way through the 7 000 submitted wines. Every now and then they came across one that astounded and delighted, a wine that made them smile and smirk, and hopefully, finish the bottle. If they believed this wine to be worthy of the hallowed 5-star Platter status, it was put forward to a second tasting. Out of the 7 000 wines, only 139 were put forward. In this second round the wines are tasted blind, in categories. So the tasters will know, for example, that they are tasting Sauvignon Blancs, but they will not be able to see the label.

This tasting resulted in 45 wines getting 5 stars. Do you want to know who? Really? Really really? Okay, here you go:

Cabernet Franc
Warwick 2008

Cabernet Sauvignon
Boekenhoutskloof 2009
Graham Beck Chalkboard #3 2007
Stark-Condé Three Pines 2009

Pinot Noir
Cape Chamonix Reserve 2010
Newton Johnson Domaine 2010
Oak Valley 2009

Shiraz/Syrah
Boekenhoutskloof Syrah 2009
Fairview The Beacon 2008
Mont Destin Destiny 2007
Mullineux Family Syrah 2009
Saxenburg Select 2007

Red Blends
Bouchard Finlayson Hannibal 2010
De Toren Fusion V 2009
Glenelly Lady May 2009
La Motte Pierneef Shiraz-Viognier 2009
Meerlust Rubicon 2007
Miles Mossop Max 2008
Sadie Family Columella 2009

Chardonnay
De Wetshof The Site 2009
Jordan CWG Auction Reserve 2010

Chenin Blanc
Beaumont Hope Marguerite 2010
Diemersfontein Carpe Diem 2010
Vins d’Orrance Kama 2010

Grenache Blanc
KWV Mentors 2010

Sauvignon Blanc
Graham Beck Pheasants’ Run 2011
Hermanuspietersfontein No 5 2010
Kleine Zalze Family Reserve 2010
Steenberg CWG Auction Reserve The Magus 2010
Strandveld 2010

White Blends
Fable Jackal Bird 2010
Flagstone CWG Auction Reserve Happy Hour 2009
Mullineux White Blend 2010
Nederburg Ingenuity 2010
Tokara Director’s Reserve 2010

Méthode Cap Classique Sparkling
Colmant Brut Chardonnay NV
Topiary Blanc de Blancs Brut 2009

Natural Sweet
Badsberg Badslese 2009

Dessert Wine Unfortified
Boekenhoutskloof Noble Late Harvest 2008
Fleur du Cap Noble Late Harvest 2010
Mullineux Family Straw Wine 2010
Nederburg Edelkeur 2010
Nederburg Eminence 2010

Port
Boplaas Family Cape Vintage Reserve 2009
De Krans Cape Vintage Reserve 2009

Phew, hope you made it down here. It’s a pretty big drop, and I may have lost a few of you along the way. This is the risk we take when presenting long lists of wines to the unsuspecting public.

I am not going to give my opinion about the list, because whatever “best of” wine list you end up with, there is always going to be someone moaning, griping, and squealing about how his or her favourite wine is not on the list and as such, it is as useful as a guide dog with cataracts.

I will say I am extremely happy for the Mullineux family for scoring three 5-stars; these are all the wines they make in their top range. They have two excellent value wines as well, under the Kloof Street Label. To keep with the parlance of this site: they dealt with Platter like a Boss.

Not to take anything away from the other two producers who walked away with three 5-stars each. But Boekenhoutskloof and Nederburg are so much bigger, and well, I kinda prefer the Mullineux wines.

I’m also stoked to see that Beaumont’s Hope Marguerite is on the list again. What a cracking Chenin; just wait for that to age a bit. In three years it’ll have grown a few more stars.

Happy to see the… Wait a minute! What the hell am I doing? I am just listing the wines I like that are on the list. What’s the point of that? And this is the danger of these lists. We love to be right. We love to go, “Oh yes, of course, the Edelkeur got five stars, the 2010 is a truly sublime wine. Unctuous, but not overdone. A wine, I would say, good enough to polish the balls of Zeus. Truly magnificent.” We love to imagine ourselves as judges, skipping quietly over the wines that we don’t like, or have never heard of. Stop being a douche and go taste some new wines.

This book is a guide, not a bible. Of course the tasters are very skilled and knowledgeable, but they are not omnipotent. They do not climb Table Mountain to offer sacrifices to Bacchus until he appears with stone tablets bearing this years’ ratings. And we are not bound for hell if we disagree. This is a guide people, it is meant to help you, not restrict you.

Go out and taste these wines, they won’t be around long. Platter 5-stars help wines to sell quicker than a new Apple product (and at times at similar elevated prices). There are trophy hunters out there, you see; people who are too lazy, or unimaginative to find out what wines they like and rely solely on scores and ratings to guide their purchases.

And god help you if you disagree with a Platter accolite. “But my dear man this got FIVE STARS IN PLATTER! THIS CABERNET FRANC IS THE BEST GODDAMN WINE IN THE COUNTRY! HAVE YOU NO TASTE?”

The Platter Guide is a South African institution, and the most useful book on South African wine you can own. It’s like a phonebook that not only gives you a telephone number, but also what the house is like, whether the person cooks good food, the likelihood of them offering you a beer, and whether, on the whole, they are nice people. At R150 you are only paying two cents a review, which, with all that extra info is a pretty good deal. But those ratings are no substitute for tasting yourself. You can memorise every score in that book and still not know a thing. Here, I’ll even make up a motto for you: “Let platter be your guide, but let your palate decide.” (Valuable, because we all know that if it rhymes, it is truth.)