Now that we’ve recovered from the #MassiveFail that was the rugby and football over the weekend, I’d like to address something else that has been bothering me.

I don’t want to let some stranger come into my house and ask me penetrating questions when there is absolutely no prospect of us hitting the sack later. I’m one of those people who are very particular about their space – I prefer living alone. I don’t like lending my stuff to people. I don’t mind crowds, because the space is shared. But if you were to say that the crowd is in my space, then I’d get very flustered. According to WebMD, I may be displaying signs of obsessive compulsive behaviour (a disorder of the intelligentsia, I hasten to add).

So no, I would rather not invite Statistics SA’s census enumerators into my house. I’d rather not be counted.

The last clear memory of a census I have is the 1996 one. I sat in the living room with my parents, wondering why the man who used to bully my friends and I with relish was asking us these questions. There he sat in my father’s lounger, in my favourite spot, squatting like a fat man’s runny shit, smugly wanting to know what race I was. It’s a completely unfounded prejudice to have against all enumerators, but it is one I hold dearly nonetheless.

According to the law, I cannot by law offer not to cooperate with the census officials. I was alerted to Section 16 of the Statistics Act by a Twitter follower recently. The section reads:

16. (1) The Statistician-General, or an officer of Statistics South Africa authorised by him or her, may, in performing his or her functions in terms of this Act, put, to any person any questions which the Statistician-General or that authorised officer considers reasonably necessary for the collection of  statistics.

(2) Every person, including every employee of any organ of state, must—

(a) to the best of his or her or its knowledge and belief and subject to the right to dignity and privacy, answer, when so required, all questions put orally or in 35 writing in terms of subsection (1); and

(b) in accordance with the instructions pertaining to any document referred to in section 7(1)(e)(ii) and not later than the date specified in that document—

(i) furnish all  such information; or

(ii) sign such declaration, as is required by that document.

(3) A document referred to in section 7(l)(e)(ii) is sufficiently authenticated if the name and designation of the competent person by whom it is given or issued, as the case may be, has been printed or stamped thereon.

Basically, you can’t tell them to sod off. Crucially though, I don’t see the Act prescribing sanction against anyone who refuses to cooperate with the census. So although it’s illegal to refuse to take part in the census, you won’t go to jail for it.

On Monday, two men were robbed in Kensington by bogus census enumerators. You know, just to confirm my paranoia.

You can also opt to conduct the conversation “in a public area”.

So if any census official is reading this: Sipho Hlongwane of Craighall will be found at the pub. Thank you very much.