I don’t know about you, but I was deeply disappointed at how the South African Municipal Workers (Samwu) march panned out in Johannesburg.

Especially after the hilarity that had ensued in Cape Town and Durban.

Samwu workers sort of drifted into Pieter Roos Park in Braamfontein at about 10-ish (an hour late) and then set off to the Johannesburg offices of the South African Local Government Assocation (their employer) at about 12-ish. The march went swimmingly. That is, if you were hired to clean up the mess afterwards. There was barely anything to fix.

The cops were out in full force, armed to the teeth and just waiting for kak to happen. And although Samwu workers goaded the cops with various colourful songs – my favourite being the “voetsek man, fokof man” hymn – there was no violence. Nobody got beaten up, or arrested, or even a bit hurt.

I don’t care who says otherwise – the march was a spectacular flop as far as the union is concerned.

They want an 18% pay-hike. That’s huge. And to show they mean business, they trashed parts of Cape Town and Durban – but union infighting in Gauteng meant that the report was much more subdued there. It shows weakness. And it gives SALGA a greater bargaining hand, which means that Samwu may find itself settling for a hike much closer to 8%.

Not to mention that this infighting makes for very boring marches, from the journalist’s perspective.

But wait! Not all is lost, union bosses! You can still get 18% – you just have to be a bit creative about your protest marches!

March at night

Right? The cops will have a much harder time keeping track of all the naughtiness you get up to. Think of all the people you could frighten!

The cops wouldn’t give you permission to march at night, though. Well, screw them. You’re badass now.

Replace the unemployed water cannon with a flame thrower – and put a shirtless unionist on the trigger

The cops bring guns, tear gas, Kevlar jackets, riot shields, batons and the lot to a strike. You unionists bring… Sticks. Why don’t you pitch in, buy a Hilux bakkie, fit a flame thrower onto the back and then drive around in it. You think it’s for the cops? Ha, no. You know that shirtless guy who always pitches up to these things? Give him a slug of bourbon and put him on the trigger with instructions to set fire to any striking unionist who isn’t running about, trashing stuff.

Replace the knowledgeable JMPD with the jumpy, amateur and excitable CTMP

The Johannesburg Metro Police Department is way too experienced with strikes to get nervous and then do something stupid.

This one is kind of wishful thinking, but do stay with me. So if it were the Cape metro cops – who jump at the sound of someone snapping their fingers – instead of the cool JMPD in charge of things, whatever you do is amplified by three because the rozzers will fail to get the situation under control.

As many as you can drink tequila shots before we set off!

You may have noticed that my plan is a little ambitious… Which is why everyone needs to be drunk! Corporates seem keen to throw money at everything and anything – get Jose Cuervo or Olmeca to sponsor your event. Everyone has to down a shot when someone says, “Amandla!”

Aluta (hic) continua!