Yesterday we received this harrowing report from the Far East by a brave 2oceansViber. Before you continue, note that we indemnify ourselves from any angst or emotional complications that you may suffer as a result of reading the following letter.

Dear Seth

I am writing this at great personal risk as I think I am being followed. It seems I cannot turn any corner without being confronted by the most terrifying sight.

The last time I wrote to you was to share my discovery of how widespread the prawn infestation was after being approached by a new breed of prawn on the beaches of Malawi.

This time I was in the Far East, a bustling metropolis called Shanghai, where the humans do not even wear helmets on motorbikes, let alone bicycles.
There I was, trying to find my way amongst the crazy buildings, and although I think I may have seen other aliens, I felt very far from District 9 and the valley of the prawns.

I found myself getting hungry, and lacking the ability to decipher the local menus in order to safely avoid dog and donkey meat, I headed for Burger King. At least point at the pictures. Once in the queue, a sudden feeling of dread overcame me as I realised that right there, in a position of authority, on the business end of the counter, controlling my future food supply, were two prawns.

I could not believe my eyes. My legs buckled under as the realisation of just how far we had let the infestation grow weighed down.

I knew I had to warn you and that you would pass this message on as a caution to others. I tried subtly to take pictorial evidence, but the prawn on the right sensed the mechanics of my camera. I still managed to get the shot off before it blasted with me with some sort of prawn juice from the palm of its hand/claw which knocked me senseless. I was lucky to escape with the help of a little fella called Jackie C who just kept yelling “Leave me alone!” as he dragged me to safety. Thank you, Jackie.

So, please spread the word, our food is not safe. Maybe we should insist on non-PM (prawnetically modified) food. I, for one, would like to have some sort of a label that lets me know that my food is prawn-free.

Do you share my concerns or has prawnanoia taking over me? Please tell me that everything is going to be okay… I am losing weight fast.

Your friend

Tony B

Thank you for that, Tony. A care package of certified non-PM food is on its way to you as you read this. Humankind owes you a debt of gratitude for your brave service.

What’s there to say, friends? To your cities, to your homes, each one of you. We joked and guffawed at their silly hats and tight crotch-smothering pants, all the while row after hideous, putrid row of eggs was laid in the waterways and storm drains of our streets. And here we find ourselves, on the wrong end of the food chain.

Have you had a can of baked beans lately?

Heaven help us.