This weekend, the classic Formula 1 Circuit Kyalami played host to the biggest private motoring event quite possibly in the world. The globally massive Top Gear rolled into town with a veritable barrage of petrol-burning stunts, displays and entertainment.

Red Bull Racing flew Sebastian Vettel’s championship winning car, along with David Coulthard, to bring Formula One back to Kyalami for the first time since 1993. Jodi Scheckter, South Africa’s only Formula One world champion, shipped his 1979 championship winning Ferrari along with three other iconic racing cars to the track for a quick blast, Nick Mason, the drummer of Pink Floyd, flew down to SA with his tasty little McLaren F1, which is worth more than Equatorial Guinea. Almost.

Eddie Jordan, former Jordan F1 team boss and all round lunatic swore a bit and Sir Stirling Moss OBE signed some hats. It was epic.

And so were the Johannesburg thundershowers, which arrived like clockwork to cock up the whole goddamn weekend. Clarkson, Hammond and May were barely five minutes into their performance for 10 000 eager fans when the mother of all rain showers flooded the theatre. After laughing hysterically at each other, Clarkson announced: “Can I just say that this is absolutely fucking horrible”, to which Hammond added “I think if we don’t stop I’m going to drown”.

And that was that. I then sprinted back to the Red Bull garage where I was due to interview David Coulthard for 10 minutes, of which I was allowed about four before being told to ask my last question. For the occasion Red Bull had provided a lovely lounge full of 1 000 people getting hammered at the free bar and a sound system pumping out the latest Café Del fucking Mar. What I’m trying to say is the video I shot is incomprehensible and you’ll just have to make do with the text. If you really want to watch though there’ll be a link at the end of the interview.

David, thanks for your time today, let’s start with your commentating career which is about to kick off. What’s it like working with Martin Brundle?

Well I’ve known Martin for a long time, he was actually my contract manager for a decade in Formula One. So we have a good knowledge and understanding of how we both like to work. We share similar views on some things and we differ on others, which I think is life, you know, when you’re discussing something which is non-factual, I think it’s normal when you get different points of view. I hope what we can do is communicate to everybody watching what’s going on the track in a way that they find entertaining.

Obviously your experience will be invaluable there. (Coulthard nods.) On motorsport, I saw a brilliant poster recently which said “Remember a time when motorsport was dangerous and sex was safe.” Things have basically reversed. Do you think that motorsport has become a bit too sanitized?

I don’t  think it’s ever acceptable to know that at the beginning of the season that there’s a good chance you’re going to lose a couple of drivers before the end of the year. I just don’t think that’s acceptable, the world has moved on. It was acceptable at that time because they were doing everything they could with the technology that they had. What we want to see is good close racing, you know, accidents and smashes are part of the excitement of motorsport and if it was impossible for these guys to get it wrong and impossible for them to go out then of course that would take away from the excitement, but if you have incidents when the guys walk away then sure, that’s racing.

Like Jackie Stewart said, there’s nothing glamorous about people dying in motorsport.

No, no.

I’ve got a couple of rapid fire questions if you don’t mind? Just yes or no, basically.

Sure.

Do you like Haggis?

Yes.

Do you own a kilt?

Yes, three (big smile).

What’s your daily drive?

(Thinks for a bit) Daily Drive? Er, C63 Mercedes.

Living in Monaco, do you dabble in a bit of roulette?

No. I don’t like that at all, gambling away my money (smiles again).

Do you watch Top Gear religiously?

No, not religiously, I don’t do religion. But I definitely watch it when I can.

Could you beat the Stig in an arm-wrestling match?

Eh, fuck I’ve got no idea. I’m not that strong so probably not (laughs).

Favourite race track?

Spa. (Spa Francorchamps, Belgium, the best racetrack ever)

Favourite band?

I’ve never been good with the whole “favourite” thing. It’s like being asked about your favourite film, I’ve got loads of favourites. Um, I like pop music, rock music, a bit of RnB, the only thing I don’t like is techno. (Starts dancing) I don’t when to start dancing, and when to say thank you and leave. (Now he’s really jumping up and down on the couch) It just seems to keep going and going and going and I don’t do drugs so it’s probably not as enjoyable than for those who do.

Last question in the rapid fire: do you watch Nascar?

Yeah when it’s on I do. I’ve been to Dover, to the Nascar race. Yeah, I think it’s an exciting form of motorsport.

About a year ago I was lucky enough to go on a terror ride with F1 safety car driver Bernd Maylander, in a C63 actually, and I asked him afterward what the parties were like in F1, and he said that Dave and himself were too old to party. I asked “Dave who?” and he said “Coulthard”!

(Laughs) Well you know when you’re not racing it’s good to enjoy other things in life, and having fun with your friends is one of those things!

Which city throws the best after party?

Montreal…Melbourne does quite well, Monaco. Anywhere where you’re in a city makes a big difference.

It must be extraordinarily fun working with the guys from Top Gear…

These guys involved in this show, whether it’s the presenters or the cameramen, are top level. These are all champions in their field. The presenters are quite rightfully celebrities in their own right. So yeah, it’s definitely good to be part of the show.

Lastly, do you know the blog SniffPetrol.com?

Oh yeah SniffPetrol, he’s got that thing “Crazy Dave Coulthard”? [It always starts] Och aye the noo muthafucka? (laughs).

(Laughing and chuffed that he said that on camera) I was going to ask if you had a problem with it but obviously not.

No, not at all.

David thanks very much for your time, a pleasure to have met you.

Thank you.

Check out the video version of the interview on OverdriveTV