Gwyneth Paltrow opened up recently and said she felt like a zombie after giving birth to her son in 2006. She said this is weird because she felt, like, on top of the world after her first baby was born in 2004. Well Gwyneth, I’m afraid that’s exactly what’s going to happen if you give birth to organisms named Apple and Moses.

Choosing baby names is a sacred ritual enjoyed by young parents the world over. Post-natal depression is a terrible affliction suffered by 25 per cent of young mothers. Get one wrong and it invariably leads to the other. It’s basic Karma.

When Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow sat down to choose a name for their first born I’m sure they had a good laugh. “How about Cucumber?” “Very funny, just too long. Apple. How’s that?” “Love it.”

The Universe looked at this and thought, fine, call one kid a silly name it’s ok. But we’re watching you when the next one rolls in. Two years later another bundle of joy comes along and they call it Moses. The Universe said that’s it and slaps Gwyneth with post-natal depression.

Basic Karma.

The moral here is don’t call your kids silly names. Obviously. They have to live with it for the rest of their lives.

And don’t fuck with the Universe.