Man, am I glad I’m not a 2010 matric. Sure, they got the holiday of their lives when the World Cup came along, but that was quickly followed by their teachers striking for months. It wasn’t very long after that the self-same teachers said right, let’s sit some exams.

Naturally the press is alleviating the stress of this situation by telling matriculants that they won’t find jobs.

The matric results are out tomorrow. If you’re a matric and you’re reading this, newspapers suggest that you call Childline on 0800 055 555.

Trade union Solidarity released a grim statement, in which they claimed 60 per cent of all matrics will find themselves in the gutter for the rest of their lives. The Times is running a story with the headline, “Most Matrics Won’t Find Jobs”. Wonderfully sensitive timing, chaps. On Friday we read about the terrible tragedy of ten matriculants ending their young lives because they didn’t see a future. To add insult to injury the Times’ sub-headline has an apostrophe out of place, which raises some questions around the matric results of its proofreaders.

Failing matric sucks. There’s no doubt about it. But telling six out of 10 kids who did make it they’re not going to get jobs makes even passing matric suck.

Dirk Hermann, the union’s deputy general secretary, added that “Although the pass rate of home language subjects and Life Orientation is very good, these types of subjects do not really equip pupils with marketable skills.” So preparing someone for life does not prepare them for a career? Is that what you’re saying, Dirk?

This whole thing stinks. I’m very proud of my A for mathematics in matric, but it got me nowhere. If someone had shown me at school how to fill out a tax return form or deal with dodgy landlords, I would’ve got a lot further in life.

If you’re still in school and reading this, know that failing matric is no reason to off yourself. It is cause for some serious introspection, but nothing more. Acing matric won’t get you very far on it’s own either either. Find a happy middle, be a self-started and follow your dreams.

And don’t believe what you read in the papers.