Reading is a little challenging. Obviously not that challenging – you’re doing it right now – but the idea of being out there in the world and letting people judge you based on the latest thing [insert shitty author] has squeezed out is a pretty scary thought, for some. But never fear! There are books that make you look smart for no apparent reason.

1. Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

This guy is great. It’s chunky as all hell, so you’ve got something that doubles as reading-device and throwable weapon – also people seem to nod appreciatively when you carry hefty books around, provided those books are not the Bible. What’s especially fun about this book is that, if you skip all of Rand’s ‘sharing is for pussies’ rants, you end up with a novel that seems pretty much dedicated to describing trains and hot industrialist sex – and I like both of those things. One more than the other, obviously but still – you get to trick people into thinking you’re smart and get some Mills & Boon jollies out of the arrangement.

2. George Orwell, 1984

Yep, sort of the same deal. Obviously, 1984 isn’t any longer than Rand’s story-book, but people respond well to numbers – they think you’re some sort of clever maths dude or something. Or else they’re familiar with the title, and they’ll assume that you’ve got well-developed ideas about Politics and The Man, which is inherently attractive! I think. Except, again, whole chunks of the book are about Winston Smith trying to get in Julia’s ultra-conservative overalls – and succeeding! Yay!

3. Haruki Murakami, Kafka On the Shore

Alright, the sexy scenes here are a little weird because they involve ghosts and vaguely Oedipal overtones, BUT you get kudos from passers-by for having an interesting-looking book by a quaint Japanese dude in your hands, so that’s a plus. And there are talking cats. Not that that’s particularly sexy, but when you get tired of postmodern ramblings, talking cats are pretty fun.

4. Sebastian Faulks, Birdsong

This is not, on the whole, a particularly good book – but it’s got a dramatic black-and-white cover with WW1 folk on it, so people will think you’re deep and conscious of the tragedies of war etcetera, when really you’re just reading the bizarre and out-of-place psuedo-Edwardian sex scenes that Faulks threw in at the beginning of Part 2 to make up for how dull the rest of the book is.

5. James Joyce, Ulysses

Alright, this one is going to make you look like a pretentious douche to the majority of the world, so be careful about when you deploy it – I mean, this thing is pretty much 30% footnotes that try and explain just what the hell is going on at any one moment. That said, Sexy Literary People will think you are Brave and Interesting for trying to read/pretending to read this guy, and also this book has the longest paragraph dedicated solely to masturbation in any work of literary fiction ever. So there’s that. Also: eyepatch = awesome.

Merry Christmas.

[Images via bookshelfporn and The Book Cover Archive]