For every cute little kitten, there are at least a million other animals out there that will literally eat your face off. Why? Because nature is an asshole, that’s why. While things like parktown prawns, great white sharks and rain spiders scare the bejezus out of me, they are nothing compared to these seven creatures that prove that nature hates us and we are all going to die:

7. Japanese Spider Crab

The Japanese Spider Crab is essentially pure evil in physical form. With it’s legs spread out, it can measure up to 4 metres across and weighs in at about 20kg.

While their diet is varied, they are known to have fed on human carcasses. Just like in every nightmare I’ve ever had.

Oh, they also live for 100 terrifying years. So ja, there’s that too.

But at least we’re safe in the knowledge that nothing remotely like this exists on land, right?

6. Coconut Crab

Meet the Coconut Crab, which Wikipedia describes as “the largest land-living arthropod in the world”, neglecting to mention that they are easily the worst as well.

The crab gets it’s name due to the fact that its diet consists mainly of coconuts that it has climbed trees to get and then ripped open with its claws. When coconuts are scarce, the crabs have been known to feed on each other or even to catch and eat rats.

They are also often referred to as the robber crab because of their magpie-like obsession with shiny objects. If you live in the special ring of hell that actually has these monsters, it is not uncommon for you to find it in your kitchen or tent, stealing your pots and pans. I seriously wish I was making that up.

There are actual real-life people who, in sheer defiance of their survival instinct, keep these things as pets. These are people who have tried every other kind of pet and decided that nothing less than a 1 metre long clawing and eating machine with an aggressive nature will do. If you’re in the market for a coconut crab, remember to get a specialised coconut crab cage, as they are known to rip regular cages right open and then you have to deal with a pissed off crab the size of a small person wandering around your house.

Also, if you are unlucky enough to come face to face with a coconut crab and it bites you, it is unlikely that it will let go.

But at least we’re safe in the knowledge that nothing remotely like this lives in Africa, right?

5. Goliath Tiger Fish

Wrong again. The Goliath Tiger Fish, native to the Congo River, is the animal voted most likely to eat your soul. In fact, the only reason it hasn’t done so yet is because it’s too busy eating humans or goddamn crocodiles.

They’re seldom caught, on account of the fact they are a 5ft, 50kg set of teeth that swims. However, one was recently caught by a British angler who is now officially regarded as “the hardest man on earth”. He said that as bait, he used a “sizeable” catfish and that he fought the thing for eight straight hours. Afterwards, we presume he defeated an army of ninjas and bears by shooting lasers from his eyes.

WHY IN GOD’S NAME DOES THIS EXIST?!

4. Giant Weta

The Giant Weta is what you would end up with if you combined a parktown prawn with the screams of a thousand small children.

The Māori, arguably one of the most badass cultures in history call this thing wētā punga, which roughly translates into English as “god of ugly things”.

Not only is the weta the world’s heaviest insect, it also has a tendency to play dead, by lying still on its back with its claws exposed and jaws wide open ready to scratch and bite.

To top it all off, they also hiss when threatened. Good grief, why do they have to hiss?

Thankfully, these are the only creatures on this list that hiss.

3. Goliath Bird Eating Spider

Oh wait, I forgot. The Goliath Bird-Eating Spider totally hisses. Is also lives for 25 years and lays 200 eggs at a time. These eggs take about six weeks to hatch. My standard-grade maths is a bit rusty but by my rough calculations, we will be hunted to extinction by these things within the next 10 years.

The spider is 30cm across, which scientists agree is, “just too damn big”.

Size: “Unacceptable”

Why are we not hunting these things down? Bird-eating spiders are one of the strongest arguments for deforestation that I’ve ever heard.

2. Brazilian Wandering Spider

First off, let’s deal with the massive, spider-shaped elephant in the room. What the hell is this man doing, letting a Brazillian Wandering Spider within a mile of his arm?

The Brazillian Wandering Spider, or Satan Incarnate, is extremely fast, extremely venomous, and extremely aggressive. Whereas most spiders keep to themselves, chilling on their webs, The Brazillian Wandering Spider is proactive and missions around on the ground. It goes out looking for you.

In Brazil the spider is often found in homes. Reports of people finding it in their shoes and hats are not uncommon.

The 2007 Guiness Book of Records listed The Brazillian Spider as the most poisonous spider in the world and it’s temperament is described as “aggressive and nervous”. Like a burglar hopped up on PCP, this spider will not hesitate to kill the crap out of you and your family at the slightest provocation.

Fun fact: There are confirmed reports of it eating lizards and mice.

1. Amazonian Giant Centipede

There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to go ahead and come right out with it. This thing catches bats in midair.

Also, I’m not even kidding around anymore, people have got to stop putting things like these on their arms.

As well as ensuring that South America remains one of the most horrifying continents, the Giant Centipede also helps control the populations of lizards, frogs, birds, mice and small children.