Simon Cowell is a news maker. He’s made his mark by being the asshole judge on shows like Idols, America’s Got Talent, and Britain’s Got Talent. More importantly, he’s earned the reputation of an asshole who very seldom makes a bad call. So some might regard the man to be evil, others may hold the view that he’s subtly awesome, and others still might not think those two character traits are mutually exclusive.

Nevertheless, 52-year Britain’s Got Talent contestant, Emma Amelia Pearl Czikai, thinks he’s all asshole. More accurately, an asshole who subjected her to “exploitation, humiliation, degradation, and barbarism”.

Barbarism? Barbarism?

Well, let’s have a look see for ourselves, shall we?

Well, for a start, Simon wasn’t drinking mead out of a skull at any point in that whole debacle, so I don’t know WHERE she gets the grounds to accuse him of barbarism.

The most barbaric thing on stage was her dress. She looks like she just stepped off the set of a stage production of Asterix and Obelix.

She’d be Obelix.

“I do have the ability to move people, and it’s rare. People have cried when they’ve heard me sing.”

Well, I don’t think she’s lying for one second. Once, I got lost in a plastic injection molding factory before the whole thing cranked up for a production run. I remember crying a lot on the floor, while blood trickled out of my ears.

And it’s not like she set herself up for any criticism, right? I mean, she’s a humble lass:

“Oh Simon, I’m wonderful. You will go home and think, ‘I’m so glad I met that woman.'”

And the complaint about the backing track and the mic? This woman should be in upper management at BP. Let’s not shift the problem, let’s shift the blame, right?

So how much is Czikai claiming for her harrowing experience? A cool $3,8 million. That’s all.

Poor, poor battered Emma. Screaming “Shuurrrup!” to a full house of people telling her to get offstage. She’s a real picture of bullied meakness.