It is a pity that successful breakfasts are so hard to come by in Cape Town. the two most important things, crispy bacon and hard toast, are still, clearly, too much to ask.

The Muse and I made the fatal error of getting breakfast at the Waterfront on Saturday morning. Why were we not at Miss K you ask, given that we were in the area? Good question, Aguado. Well, there were many reasons, not least of which was the fact that we had to pick up some gear at Puma (*cough* please enjoy my new Kehinde Wiley’s).

So we ended up grabbing breakfast at a place upstairs, who were not branded in any way to suggest a particular lifestyle/religion. It was only after we sat down, grabbed a coffee, opened the paper and ordered brekkie, that we were informed that they do not serve any pork products whatsoever. They had confirmed when we walked in that they do serve breakfast, but hadn’t divulged the fact that they did not serve bacon and, seemingly, someone’s religion had got in the way of our breakfast. Not that we have a problem with speciality restaurants and/or religions – we’d just like you to make it more clear in your branding. This simple gesture (verbal or maybe even a little symbol on the branding?) would have avoided ruining most of my morning.

Not surprisingly, if you Google the word “breakfast” and flip over to image results, the very first image (in the world, on Google), shows a plate with eggs and bacon. It looks like we aren’t the only people who assume the pig.

It was pretty much downhill from there as my R60 omelette (with ingredients I wouldn’t have normally chosen, as they didn’t have ham) tasted like my new Puma’s and The Muse’s poached eggs came with about a liter of water in the middle of the plate. If you had just arrived, you would have thought we were lounging next to a plunge pool.

But the crowning moment was, as usual, the toast.. (wait for it)

Why is this so difficult to make?

Are me and my family and my group of friends the only people in the world who yearn for hard toast? What is this bullshit obsession with bringing bread which has been singed on the outside and is still soft/floppy in the middle? Or 1mm thick (WTF?)! Are you joking, Cape Town? Seriously, am I being punk’d? What you have brought me is bread. If I wanted that I would have asked for it!

The joy of REAL toast is you can slice off a piece, hold it on your fork, and it is strong enough to carry some stuff on top of it – like the egg and (God forbid) bacon. But if it is soft then it won’t hold anything on top and the food will fall off.

And really, I don’t want to hear the reasons why the “toast” is like that (because it’s done under the grill etc etc.)

IT DOESN’T MATTER!

NO ONE CARES!

IT’S NOT TOAST!

YOU ARE TAKING THE PISS!

PLEASE STOP DOING IT!

YOU ASSHOLES!!!

Jesus, what is wrong with you people?

It’s eggs and bacon and toast I’m looking for, not Boeuf Bourguinon!

Pathetic.