Any Capetonian worth their salt should know about Olympia Café in Kalk Bay – where a complete disregard for decor is met head on with possibly the most incredible food you will ever experience. And the staff believe it too, as we (The Muse and I) arrived at the front door last weekend, just in time for lunch.

Olympia Café in Kalk Bay.
Enter on the corner.

“Hi! What is your name?”

“Seth”

“How many people?”

“Two”

She writes “Seth X 2” on a little white board next to the front door. The place was full, including all types, from wealthy deer-in-the-headlights foreigners, to artsy-fartsy why-wash? “hey, bro, chill” locals. The waiting list had about seven names on it, with their corresponding humans loitering in and around the front door.

The list..

“How long do you think it will take?” I asked, clearly not entirely used to the concept of queuing and/or waiting.

“I’m not entirely sure,” the waitress responded, “20, maybe 30 minutes. But it will be worth it, I promise you. It’s the best food you’ll ever taste in your life.”

No spice…that was exactly what she said to us. And she meant it, I could tell. You just can’t buy that kind of passion, and for a staff member to sing such genuine praise of their workplace, you simply have to stop and take a look. Or rather, a bite.

I was more than happy to wait *cough* to a certain extent. We went to the restaurant next door, ordered a Coca-Cola each, and flipped through the newspaper. The stress of not being able to watch the entrance of Olympia (we walked over every five minutes to check on the progress), combined with the lack of weed that morning (I had run out and it was a Sunday – the holy grail of weed days) had rendered me quite fidgety. I went for a stroll outside, hoping to find what I was looking for.

Surrounding Kalk Bay – very chilled..

This shouldn’t be too hard, right? I mean it was Kalk Bay, after all!

I strolled into the bakery around the corner and sized up the staff, as I pretended to admire the pies on display. The pies looked amazing, I must admit, but I had ore important things on my mind. None of the staff had signs saying “weed dealer” stuck to the foreheads, so I headed back to home base.

That’s when I spotted these fellows..

Hmm..that hat tells a tale..

Whilst being most proficient in the creation of decorative wire lions and chameleons, it seems our friends were also able to point me in the right direction. You know, with regards to the problem I was facing. R20, pre-rolled and possibly the best majat I have ever experienced, is all I have to say about that!

Our table was ready, and so was a bottle of dry white. I don’t know what it’s called but it’s more than fine, as I downed my first glass of wine and ordered the mussels.

“We’re out of mussels,” our waitress responded.

“Oh sweet Jesus,” I mumbled to myself as The Muse asked if she was sure.

We were sitting quite near the kitchen and the one cook leant over to our waitress and said something in Kalk Bay language.

“Aha. Ja. Really? That’s great news!” the waitress squealed. “Some new mussles have just arrived and will be cooked in about ten minutes. They’re just washing them in the back!”

I liked what I was hearing. In ten minutes time I would be eating mussels which were, not 30 minutes ago, clinging for dear life to a rock somewhere in the ocean. Aah, the joys of being man! Thank you very much, my little mollusc.. I’ll be having you now. In a creamy sauce, if you don’t mind!

I took in the ambience of the place which presents a scene littered with mismatched chairs, random artwork and people – either drooling as they wait for their meals, or lost in a world of pleasure as they feed on their nosh.

And then it happened..

BANG!

Oh my God – there they are…

Needless to say all manners went out the window, as we literally attacked the bowl of mussels and the orgasmic sauce they’re served in – stealing moments between every second or third mouthful to down some more wine. We got pretty creative trying different combinations – a spoon full of just the sauce progressed to a spoon full of the sauce plus a naked mussel. Then it was the bread (don’t even get me started on the bread) on it’s own drowned in the sauce, which led to the bread drowned in the sauce with a naked mussel folded in between. The options were endless. My god… it was heaven!

There was absolutely nothing left at the end, except for empty shells and the feeling that we had done something illegal. Pre-rolled joint aside, that’s how good it was – it felt illegal.. And as with most illegal things, I can’t stop thinking about them. I want them them all the time.

I had been to Olympia Cafe before, a year or so ago, and that was for breakfast. I remember it blowing my mind then and can’t wait to give it another bash.

But for now, I’m so glad I’ve finally gone and done the mussels.

I sincerely hope you’ve done the same. And if you don’t like mussles (weird) then order ANYTHING else. It’s all amazing – FACT!

Olympia Café
134 Main Road
Kalk Bay
Ph. 021 788-6396.