The Twilight Saga: New Moon by Stephenie Meyer is the latest victim to have been put through the Hollywood sausage machine like that magical kid with John Lennon style glasses and a jet-powered broomstick. I used to associate ‘twilight’ with that time of day when the light diffuses in the sky just before dawn or sunset… but it’s with great sadness that I confess: I’ve been violated by the Twilight phenomenon.

After watching 50 minutes of ‘New Moon’, a state of uncertainty, vagueness and gloom crept over me. I went in thinking it couldn’t happen to me… Now I can’t help but think of the time I lost sitting in a dark room full of strangers whenever someone says ‘twilight’ or ‘new moon’. Then I heard somewhere that the film’s “subversive” message is actually an allegory for abstinence… how Edward, the vampire boy can’t suck on Bella until they get married or something? I could be wrong.

Catch the rest of the review and the trailer after the jump…

New Moon is a great story if you’re planning on doing a Halloween edition of Dawson’s Creek. Kristen Stewart (Bella), Robert Pattinson (Edward) and Taylor Lautner (Jacob) are a good-looking trio, but seem to be going through the motions without any charm or depth beyond their shells in these New Moon “TV-style” performances. They look the part, but then again any teenagers, who wake up at midday and emerge at night could be mistaken for vampires.

The languishing love triangle romance, wishy-washy paranormal action, the predominantly unknown “teen” cast… it’s a great TV Series waiting to hatch – just ask Smallville. Unfortunately, the Twilight Saga doesn’t make a great transition from the novel’s pages to the film’s frames and it just comes across as superficial and campy, a teenage soap opera with an “emo” double glaze.

New Moon continues the Twilight saga as the second chapter of forbidden romance unwinds… Mills & Boon would be proud. It’s a matter of blind faith for “Twi-hards” as they go where no fan (or even Trekkie) has gone before, following the saga into battle, ready to defend their beloved series at every turn with the book safely tucked under their arm. Perhaps this is why Twilight fans can actually appreciate the films… the books give the characters much-needed depth, which doesn’t need to be earned in the films.

It’s like the fans know the story well enough to fill in the blanks… making it easy for the actors to simply have the right look and speak their lines with a sultry grimace to impress fans and jade critics. For new initiates, who haven’t read the books, or people who haven’t bothered to watch Twilight before New Moon… it’s a flat, slow and tawdry affair – there’s just no connection at all, which probably explains why Golden Compass director, Chris Weitz wasn’t hired to direct the follow-on, Eclipse!

“I liked the part in “New Moon” when Robert Pattinson
discovers he has a vagina.” – Tweet from Rainn Wilson

I only managed the first 45 minutes of Twilight on DVD and the first 50 minutes of New Moon at last night’s preview before I had to escape. You know when you start sinking lower and lower in your cinema seat, start looking at your watch and then down the aisle at how many knees you have to hurdle… I was uninvolved.

Other contributing factors could have been that I was sitting next to a girl with a cup of ice, a straw and an oral fixation – who wouldn’t stop commenting on Robert Pattinson’s make-up and stabbing the ice to create more water to slurp. I could almost tell who her favourite characters were by the strength of the slurp, but it was painful… I wanted to say “Are you serious?”, “Can I get you some Coke for your ice?” or “Wouldn’t you rather suck on some ice blocks?”.

The preview screening was abuzz with gaggles (?) of excited teenage girls and their “Edwards and Jacobs”, who applauded and squealed as Edward walked onto screen or Jacob removed his shirt to dab some blood off Bella.  I really tried to like New Moon and give it a chance to impress me in the name of Underworld and True Blood. However, it just didn’t take off, was less than satisfactory and I guess you could say I’m over New Moon.

New Moon just doesn’t have enough bite for anyone other than fans and has the same lack-lustre quality as The Golden Compass. Perhaps all the hype raised my expectations too much, perhaps I just don’t get the Twilight phenomenon or perhaps this self-absorbed Hamlet humdrum is what appeals to teenagers these days?

The production values are high, reminiscent of David S. Goyer’s The Invisible and there are one or two reasonably funny situational moments in New Moon, but as a paranormal romance it’s just too vague and shallow. If you loved Twilight, you’ll think New Moon is fantastic… but if you haven’t read the books you should try to avoid New Moon – even if it means drawing blood.

The bottom line: Fan-fare.

Release date: 27 November, 2009

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