I don’t write an article for one week and everything goes to pot. From earthquakes to tsunamis to Roman Polanski being nabbed for a crime he committed 30-odd years ago. The sports gods were obviously seriously miffed about no Sports Roundup last Thursday and this week the entire world has paid the price.

A pie: The Albie Morkel stock ball

But nobody has suffered more than us as South Africans. We had to sit through the agonising pain of watching the Proteas have the life slowly bludgeoned out of them in the ICC Champions Trophy.

Full article plus TV times after the jump

Anybody who watched the games against Sri Lanka and England will agree that they were pretty tough to stomach. Even hardened men like Kobus and Darren were reduced to tears. We were in Hermanus (Kobus is a Southern Right stunt double at the whale festival) when the Proteas bowed out after losing to England by 22 runs on Tuesday. Admittedly, Kobus was crying because we asked him which brand of toilet brush he descended from. Darren and myself though, were genuinely gutted. I’ve subsequently written to Albie Morkel asking him if he plans to open a bakery in the near future after all those pies he chucked at the England batsmen. But let us not lay the blame solely at his oven. Other than Graeme Smith’s fine knock of 141 against England, there was bugger all to speak of in the South African batting line up. The next best score was AB ‘dank die Here’ de Villiers with 36. I’m no rocket scientist, but it’s pretty difficult to chase down 323 with only one batsman firing. Let’s be honest though: England should never have been allowed to reach that monstrous total in the first place. In the two games against Sri Lanka and the Poms, the Proteas gave away a total of 632 runs. I know the wickets were conducive to good batting, but we’ve come to expect more from the number one team in the world (for now), especially considering that a side like England has just been annihilated 6-1 by the Aussies in their recent ODI series. At least India is out too. Mickey Arthur knows that no matter how kak life might get for him here, 1 billion people don’t want him dead. Ha ha hard luck Gary.

Speaking of India- I know I said it’s been a tough week for a lot of people around the world. Someone like Andrew Puttick, though, is probably feeling pretty good at the moment. From not being selected for the Cobras side to tour India in the Champions League 20/20, he’ll now captain it in the absence of Graeme Smith. That’s like me coming home to find no more liquor in my booze cabinet, contemplating suicide, hooking up the hose to the car, and then finding out that Famous Grouse has renewed their sponsorship. The feeling of relief, I can tell you, is liberating.

The euphoria that followed from Province’s 43-3 win over the Griquas was really all that kept uncle Hugh going this week. Well, that and whiskey, of course. I was watching Kobus do a sexy little breach in the harbour when the final whistle went at what was a sopping wet Newlands. Kobus and Darren had stopped talking to each other by that time because they realised their respective teams would be squaring up this coming weekend. Darren was also upset with me because I told him whales were cleverer than elephants. The Sharks play the Lions in Durban with an all-Bok front row. Province have made eight changes to their starting line-up for the Boland game. The ork (Ricky Januarie) and Andries Bekker are the two returning Boks for the derby. I actually feel sorry for Boland: they’re 50 km down the drag, yet Province would rather import players from Australia, Fiji and New Zealand rather than try and develop local talent. Be that as it may, Province must beat them to keep alive their hopes of a home semi final.

Manchester United and Chelsea top the Premier League Table after seven games. Roberto Martinez’s Wigan side gave us reason to believe in miracles again when they handed Chelsea their first defeat of the season.

Tiger Woods probably felt like he was on the receiving end of a miracle after collecting $ 10 million for winning the Fedex Cup, even though it was Phil ‘dig them bitch tits’ Mickelson who cruised to victory at the Tour Championship. That is a ridiculous amount of money for one individual to collect. Perhaps he could donate some of the interest to Boland so that they can stay afloat. They could even include him in the starting XV (full b(l)ack?) or very least, make him convener of selectors. That’s if they have any players left.

I have rambled and ranted on for long enough. If I appear pessimistic and cranky then I apologise. Summer is here and I have trouble coming to terms with the heat and the fact that rugby season will soon be over. Forgive me.

TV TIMES

Fri 2/10

14:00 Cricket ICC Champs Trophy: SF 1: Australia v England SS2
19:00 Rugby Absa Currie Cup: FS Cheetahs v Platinum Leopards SS1

14:30 Golf Euro PGA: Alfred Dunhill Links Champs Day 2 SS6
22:00 Golf US PGA Tour: Turning Stone Resort Champs Day 2 SS2

Sat 3/10

14:45 Rugby Absa Currie Cup: Blue Bulls v Griquas SS1
14:45 Rugby Absa Currie Cup: Western Province v Boland SS5
17:00 Rugby Absa Currie Cup: Sharks v Lions SS1

06:50 Motorsport F1: Japanese GP Qualifying SS2
14:00 Cricket ICC Champs Trophy: SF 2: New Zealand v Pakistan SS2
14:30 Golf Euro PGA: Alfred Dunhill Links Champs Day 3 SS6

15:45 Soccer Premier League: Bolton v Tottenham SS3
18:00 Soccer Premier League: Man Utd v Sunderland SS3
18:30 Soccer FIFA U/20 W-Cup: South Africa v Honduras SS5

Sun 4/10

06:30 Motorsport F1: Japanese GP Race SS2
13:45 Motorsport Motogp: Portugal Main Race SS2

14:00 Soccer Premier League: Arsenal v Blackburn SS3
16:30 Soccer Premier League: Chelsea v Liverpool SS3

13:30 Golf Euro PGA: Alfred Dunhill Links Champs Day 4 SS6
22:00 Golf US PGA Tour: Turning Stone Resort Champs Day 4 SS1