Remember how our parentals tried to force-feed us as children… “Here comes the aeroplane”, “If you eat the crust you’ll get a deep voice” and “Don’t make me come down there!”.  Okay, maybe the last one was only for special occasions, but that’s what watching The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 is like, except instead of “taking” an aeroplane, it’s a train.

“Open up wide – on the count of three 1… 2… 2 1/2… 3… swallow, that’s good.” The script doesn’t patronize audiences, it’s just got the same “been there – done that” feel you get when you bite into your second Weet-Bix biscuit. Sure, it’s healthy on the outside with Denzel, John and Tony plumping up the cast, but at the end of the day, it’s just another dry, tasteless brick that saps milk and lacks any form of sugar-coating (at least The Italian Job had Charlize!).

Catch the rest of the review and the trailer after the jump…

Other than that… Weet-Bix is South Africa’s number one breakfast cereal. Not only is it low in fat and jam-packed with essential vitamins and iron, it’s been around for 75 years, which raises the question: what do Walter Matthau and Denzel Washington have in common?

Not a lot… in fact, the only connector, besides both having Hollywood careers, is their appearance in film adaptations of John Godey’s novel, The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3. Matthau (the other grumpier old man) starred as transit police officer Lt. Zachary Garber in the 1974 version, while Denzel Washington stars as train dispatcher Walter Garber in the 2009 version. One’s white, one’s black, one’s dead, one’s alive… the list goes on. Thankfully both can act.

Washington does an excellent job in filling the shoes of Matthau, taking his first name as a tribute and his character’s last name to play Walter Garber. John Travolta takes the place of Robert Shaw (Jaws), as the character’s name changes from Mr. Blue to Ryder. In the 1974 original, the criminals referred to each other as colours to remain anonymous, which parallels Reservoir Dogs. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 movies are both set in New York and both involve the hijacking of a train carriage (Pelham 123) and the kidnapping and ransom of its occupants.

So why was this remake necessary? Train sets tend to go around in circles? No – the original still has clout, but Italian Job fever took over and when a tried-and-tested film gets names, it becomes a money-spinner overnight. For starters, the refurbished version easily outclasses the 1998 made for TV version with Donnie Wahlberg (Old Kid, No Block). Long-time Denzel Washington collaborator, Tony Scott… (Crimson Tide, Man on Fire, Deja Vu) is handed the reins on this production giving it a glossier, more contemporary finish than the original.

Brian Helgeland (Man on Fire, L.A. Confidential) is drafted for the screenplay to add some extra grit to the cat-and-mouse game between Washington and Travolta. Then a host of recognised crime actors get the nod… Luis Guzman (Traffic), John Turturro (Barton Fink) and James Gandolfini (The Sopranos).

The Tony Scott/Denzel Washington tag team hasn’t failed us yet… delivering solid 7/10 movies including: Crimson Tide, Man on Fire and Deja Vu. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 is their first hiccup. It has the added criminal charisma of John Travolta, in a role akin to Dennis Hopper in Speed or his own turn in Swordfish, it has the dramatic weight of Denzel Washington and the gritty direction of Tony Scott. The problem is that’s where the buck stops. The thriller leans heavily on these pillars, relying on the tension and character interplay between Washington and Travolta and the magnitude of Scott’s direction to pull through.

The story has been done over and over… and not just as a remake. We’ve seen too many hijacking, ransom, tactical negotiation and good guy versus bad guy crime/thrillers to get immersed in the world of The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3, whether it be in a bus (Speed, The Siege), a bank (Dog Day Afternoon, Inside Man), a plane (Passenger 57, Executive Decision) or a train (Derailed, Money Train). To put it more simply, the ‘Triple H’ hijacking/heist/hostage threat has been overdone. When you brace yourself for a remake, employing this tactic without a unique spin… well, you’ve either got to rollover, play dead and hope no one notices or rely on the talent.

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 should have left it at one. Two was a vacuous TV movie and three is nothing special. Audiences will know what to expect, not just because they’ve seen it all before, but because it’s a predictable, hollow vessel that has been inhabited one too many times (think of bowling shoes). The only thing that holds this film together is the three musketeers… Scott, Travolta and Washington and if you don’t like 1, 2 or 3, you better arm yourself with a pillow for some mindless hostage drama or do the right thing and jump in front of the next subway train out of Brooklyn.

The bottom line: Tired.

Release date: 23 September, 2009 (Today)

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