If you call me with a private number or a number I don’t know, I will not answer. FACT .

If you don’t leave a message and call me again, I still will not answer. FACT .

You can do this as many times as you wish over as many days as you want and the FACTS stated above will remain the same. That is why they are called FACTS .

[By the way, the person currently calling me every second day with the number ending in 5193, and never leaving a message – you might need to get these FACTS into your head. That, or possibly some therapy.]

Try me

If you call with a private number or a number I don’t know and you DO leave a message explaining who you are and what you want, then there is a good chance I will probably call you back, possibly immediately – unless you’re trying to sell me something. FACT.

If you leave a message without mentioning a reason for the call, you are a prick and I probably won’t call you back (eg. Hi Seth, it’s wankface here; my number is 1234567, please call me). FACT. And throwing in the words “I just need to pick your brain” is classified as the same thing. Fuck you, you will not pick my brain, you will leave a message with a clue as to the topic.

All of this can be avoided with a simple text message! Don’t you get it?? It is not my problem that you “don’t know how to sms” or that you “prefer phoning” – times have changed, pal. Just like you don’t arrive unannounced at someone’s home, things have progressed and changed in the way we communicate. SMSing is no longer an ALTERNATIVE, it actually has it’s very own purpose.

I hardly ever phone people without sending a warning sms, simply asking when would be convenient. Nine times out of ten they advise a better time. “Call in 10 minutes, just having my hair cut” is a good example of the replies one gets. Which proves the theory, time and again. Phoning out of the blue is so fucking random. The other person could be carrying shopping bags. They could be in the middle of a long conversation. They could be having lunch with friends. They could be with their mother. They could be writing a serious email. They could be in a bad reception area and are aware that the call would be a nightmare to deal with. They could be sleeping! They could be making love to a 19 year old Polish American! Who the fuck are you to pounce on them out of the blue, without taking into account the fact that they just might not be chilling out on the sofa waiting for your call? It’s just not cool.

For example YOU DO NOT PHONE TO ASK FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S NUMBER – EVER. You sms them for the number and they will sms you back. FACT. It doesn’t matter if you are in a hurry. If I don’t sms it back immediately, I am obviously unable to do it at that particular time. Who exactly do you think you are?

I had a mate call me to ask for someone’s number. I kept cool, found the number and started reading it out to him. He stopped me mid way and said, “umm, can you rather sms that to me.”

Jesus Christ bru, do you want me to make the call for you as well?

If your phone rings, turn the sound off FIRST, THEN see who is calling. My head comes very close to explosion when people look at the screen and start mumbling, “Ooh, I wonder what he wants,” as they ponder answering or not (all the time the phone is ringing its head off!). And then someone suggests they turn the sound off and they give it the big, “I was ABOUT TO, but I wanted to see who it was!”

Huh! Sorry, that sentence doesn’t make sense. Please leave.

Phone rings – sound off – then look.

Also, you NEVER phone on a Sunday. Ever. In fact any time on the weekend is a bit silly.

Wake up people. Learn these rules – you’ll be surprised how many people agree with them.