Mastercard have taken it to the next level, with the “Royal” black card . Not only does this one have no limit and a concierge service, but apparently women have to perform oral sex on you when you take it out. Immediately. All women within a three metre radius. No Age-limit.

The ROYAL card. Why didn’t I think of that?
What’s next? The GOD card?

Oh for God’s sake, it’s getting a bit much. You can call it what you want, but no matter what you do, it’ll will never be as cool as the big guy – The American Express Centurian Card (the “black” card).

I’ve held a couple in my bare hands during my life (there are only 10,000 in the world) and, I tell you, it cannot be described. It’s so smooth and heavy and almost seems to pulsate. I clearly remember being aroused by the experience. The gay waiter serving the table actually commented to my friend, the cardholder, “your card is amazing.”

I swear to God.

Do you know that the card is made of titanium? No shit. Let me tell you a little bit more about it:

The American Express Centurian Card

From Wikipedia:

The Centurion Card, popularly known as the Black Card, is a charge card issued by American Express. The Centurion Card provides access to a range of exclusive privileges.[citation needed] To become a card holder, an invitation into the program is needed from American Express. In order to achieve this one must meet American Express’ strict criteria. Cardholders are required to pay an annual fee. As of 2007, the annual fee in the United States was $2,500, with a one-time $5,000 initiation fee for the first year.

Urban legends of a special, black-colored card offering dignitaries and celebrities unlimited spending power and after-hours access to high-end stores circulated since the 1980s. The rumor of an unlimited spending card originated because certain high-spending card members were given a black information card that, while not a charge or credit card, contained important telephone numbers, such as numbers for American Express Travel and Concierge services.

While the rumors were false, American Express decided to capitalize on them in October 1999 by launching the Centurion Card, available to selected holders of its Platinum Card. The card is not made of plastic, but a form of metal. The Amex Centurion Card originally had an annual fee of $1,000, however it has since been increased to $2,500. (American Express’ first credit card product, the Optima Card, was originally issued by a subsidiary called the “American Express Centurion Bank.” Both the Centurion Card and the AmEx Centurion Bank were named after AmEx’s logo, which features the likeness of a Roman centurion.)

The card, available for both personal and business use, offers numerous exclusive privileges including a dedicated concierge and travel agent, complimentary companion airline tickets on international flights on selected airlines with the purchase of a full fare ticket, personal shoppers at retailers such as Escada, Gucci, and Neiman Marcus, access to airport clubs, first class flight upgrades, membership in Sony’s Cierge personal shopping program, and dozens of other elite club memberships. Hotel benefits include one free night when at least one paid night is booked during the same stay in every Mandarin Oriental hotel worldwide once a year (except for the New York City property), one free night at one LXR Luxury Resorts hotel (now defunct) once a year, and privileges at hotel chains like Ritz-Carlton, Leading Hotels of the World, and Amanresorts. All of the benefits mentioned above are for United States-issued cards. American Express Centurion cards issued in other countries may include different benefits. The card has recently added new amenities, including access into the Virgin Atlantic Flying Club Gold, as well as US Airways Platinum Preferred status as of June 1, 2007. As of August 14, 2007, American Airlines Admirals Club access was added to the long list of amenities.

A new Centurion card crafted from anodized titanium was issued as a replacement for all plastic U.S. Centurion cards in the first half of 2006, with the titanium version being rolled out to certain other countries as well. This new card is slightly thicker than a standard credit card, and therefore is sometimes difficult to insert and remove from some card readers, such as the ones found on gas station pumps, as well as automatic readers, such as the ones found at Target. There have also been rumors that some airport metal detectors are set off by the titanium black card (compelling wallets to be scanned through the x-ray machine).

Did you catch that last line? Can you imagine setting off a metal detector with a credit card!? Come now!

“Oh, shit, sorry – it must be my incredibly powerful credit card..”