One of the rules that I constantly try and enforce on myself is not to stock up on junk food. If I have the need for chocolate or biltong or sweets of any sort, I am forced to go to the shops and get it. I can’t keep a stock of sweets and only tickle it now and then. I can pretend to, but that only lasts a couple of hours and before I go to bed I would have devoured all of it and found myself positioning mirrors in the hall at the Safe House to get a good view of the TV as I settle into a painful extended stay in the bathroom. (I don’t think that was too graphic? I mean, I didn’t use words like stool or anything).

Another angle to the problem is going to shops for something good (healthy), and being tempted to buy crap at the same time. It’s like running the gauntlet when you’re queuing at Woolies and you find yourself subjected to temptation only Eve could describe. It’s radical – you are surrounded by enough chocolate and sweets to give you full-blown acne and an extra 3 kg’s by sunrise. Sin, sin, sin!

You’ll have your own reasons why you love it, but for me the Wellness Warehouse in Cape Town’s Kloof Lifestyle Centre on Kloof Street is what I call a “safe zone” – you can do what you want, buy what you want and EAT what you want with COMPLETE gay abandon and you won’t hate yourself when you’re done! PERFECT!

I don’t know where to start but this place is a complete mind fuck! It is MASSIVE and basically takes up the whole of the Kloof Lifestyle centre’s top section. It doesn’t end! You walk in and see the usual mainstream convenience products lined-up over several aisles and are impressed by the pharmacy in the other corner – reminding you of of a classic Boots setup – but then you realise that this theme takes up only a QUARTER of the store.

You walk further and discover what-can-only-be-described as four or five other themes. Like you’ve walked into a CENTRE of sorts, with different stores offering different things – all falling under the heading health and wellness. But this is not a centre, my friends, this is ONE FUCKING SHOP! You’ll never want to leave!

One section is dedicated to supplements and complimentary medicine, whilst another offers pilates and sports equipment. You go further into the wonderland of health and notice a plants and flowers section, a book shop focusing on body, mind and soul, a naturopathic dispensary, a spa (full, including hairdressers, massages etc.), standard cosmetics section including the likes of Clarins and Garnier, a section with stuff that is normally hard to get (like Dermalogica), a food market with wide organic choice and even recommended special bed mattresses and shower heads demonstration area! Then, just when you think it’s all over, you collapse in the deli section with full Kauai-type counter with sandwiches, smoothies and everything else you want to gobble up. It is completely out of control!

Just like the question “have you joined facebook” was on everyone’s lips for WAY too long, “have you been to the Wellness Warehouse” is picking up momentum and I SUGGEST you get your answer ready. Go there, and you’ll be pleased you did. You’ll get lost and won’t want to leave. Then you’ll go again. And again. Then you’ll join discussions over dinner asking WHAT we did before the Wellness Warehouse came along. Like HOW did we cope without cellphones? It’s the same thing – but it doesn’t give you radiation burn.

It’s ALL good and it’s something you have never experienced before. It makes the classic South African retail experience look like something out of Tarzan.

You’ll love it! I suggest you get in there quick!

Look at yourself man, you’re a WRECK!!