It is with some amusement that I read the words “Private Number” or “Unknown” on my cellphone’s display. The phone is set to ‘silent’, returned to it’s previous position and ignored. Unknown numbers will, quite simply, not be answered. Ever. The non-answering of these calls has become something of second nature to me. It’s honestly reached a point that I don’t even know that I’m doing it. Like changing gears in a car. That’s how real the situation is. It’s like the call never occurred.

And let me tell you this as well, secret person, you can ring back as many times as you want and I swear to God nothing is going to change. If you INSIST on using a hidden number then the only form of communication will have to, and can only be in the form of a message. You can choose not to leave a message as many times as you fucking want and you know what? Nothings going to change, Freak Show.

The Maasai people are not scared of
taking calls from Private Numbers

I was chatting to The Lawyer about this and she confessed that she is prone to taking even more extreme measures. She turns on them like an Alsation and presses the red phone instead of the green phone – killing the call – not even letting them get to the voicemail message. She fucking punishes them. Ring-ring… RED PHONE…BANG!…FUCK YOU! Callers are left with the dull pain one feels when a ringing phone sound turns into a busy signal – knowingly dealt by the would-be answerer..

..and then they call again.

“RING-RING”

[RED BUTTON] – BANG! FUCK YOU!

“RING-RI..”

[RED BUTTON] – WHAMMO! FUCK OFF!

“RING”

[RED BUTTON] – BAH! DIE!

“R”

[RED BUTTON] – BANG! And punished!

It’s not to do with being a tit, it’s merely the insane risk of taking a call that just doesn’t fit the current situation. I mean…Jesus…..are you fucking high?

Friends can call and their names will come up and the call could still be ignored. It’s nothing nasty – clearly you’re busy. The beauty of this is they don’t even have to leave a message. They know that the situation wasn’t ideal and they know you’ll probably call them back. And if you don’t, it means you forgot and that they should try again later. There’s no malice involved. So that’s all pretty easy to deal with and understand. But an unknown number could very easily be some cock from FNB telling you that you have been pre-approved for a…. FUCK OFF! Cock!

I can hear some of you whining that your company’s switchboard shows up as a private number and there is nothing you can do about it. Ok. Good. We’ve already covered that. Leave a message.

Ok, so are we clear?

Good.

That’s all I really wanted to say right now.

Good luck with that Private Number of yours. I wish you two all the best.

“I called yesterday but you didn’t answer”

“Did you leave a message”

“No”

“Good”